Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[dannymax]

I've put a couple of cylinderfuls through one of them...
More noise and recoil than my .375, but a lot less horsepower...

Wo!! Well named!

[Rayelljay]

Took the Spyder for a ryde this eve. As I was leaving, GF asks, "Whereyagoin'?"
"Drug store."
"Well don't forget to get something to cure your ED."
"OK"

When I got home, she asked, "What didja get fer yer ED...?"
"These are fer you." says I.
"DIET PILLS.....!!!!???"

That's when the fight started.....

[Blue Star]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this April from 72 to only 36. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, England in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".

Spokesmen for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[retread]

According Jeff Dunham's friend Walter, the 72 virgins are boys! What'll the union do about that?

john

[Bob Denman]

It could be worse...

[BitSlayer]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy
Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide
grin "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you?

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked
the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take
whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[Trickie Dick]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win

[Bob Denman]

Marvelous!

[Mama Phoenix]

You guys are cracking me up!

[PCBeachBum]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[Trickie Dick]

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function ..... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

[dannymax]

Ol' 'Stormin' Norman's gets right to the point doesn't he!!

[Daisyjoe]

Mama's Bible






Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after
having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give
their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and
you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can
recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse
and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent
out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:
" Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.
Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank
you."

Luv Ya,
MAMA

[Bob Denman]

Cute; but sad...

[dannymax]

The wife left this note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on !! and the beer was cold.........
God only knows what she was talking about!!

[Bob Denman]

I agree...

[warp10]

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the begining all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

[SDM]

Having been married over 29 yrs to the Hubby (Tobor 9) I agree with that assessment!!! Our motto is "Divorce never - murder maybe!!!"

[Bob Denman]

You guys too?!?

[mowin]

At every anaversery a buddy of mine comments if it was murder he'd be free by now....

[dannymax]

You guys too?!?

Nah....I'm just yakkin'....actually got a great wife and an excellent life!

[coz]

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the begining all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

that is funny as hell suitable for framing but one would never hear the end of it, would one

[dannymax]

that is funny as hell suitable for framing but one would never hear the end of it, would one

NO.....one would not!

[Bob Denman]

At every anaversery a buddy of mine comments if it was murder he'd be free by now....

That reminds me of a story...
At a 30th anniversary party that was being held in a big hotel in NYC, the best man notices that the groom is missing...
He starts looking...
Finds him a little bar across the street with his long face hanging deeply into a mug of "sorrowchaser"
"What's wrong Buddy", he asks. "Why aren't you over there enjoying the party that's being held for you?"
"I got to thinking", says Mr Sadface...
"On my wedding day all those years ago; do you remember when I got so mad that I threatened to kill my bride over all of the crap that we were being put through? You convinced not to kill her because I'd have been convicted of murder and gotten 30 years in jail."

"TODAY; I coulda been a free man!"

[dannymax]

I was thinking of that very same joke!! It was a joke.....right?