She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "No, No,…I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" It's no fun being old!!
'09 SM5, Hindle pipe, K&N, sport rack, backrest, Givi shield EVO swaybar, Symtec grip heaters, Spyderpops belt guard....some other stuff.
Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it,
Be afraid of the one saying 'To Whom it May Concern'!
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the hell makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
For my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's
ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
Laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
That was great!!! At 57, I'm having WAY too many of those!!! Now where did I put the hubby?!?!?
2014 RT Limited SE-6 in Black Currant. Mods so far: Rivco Trunk Mounted Double Flag Holder Kit, Diamond R Drivers Tour Mug, Tric Led Drink Holder, BRP Hitch, Mini Trailer USA Nomad Trailer. RonBar and links, Spyclops I & II, Lighted Bump Skid, LED head and fog lights. Foam hand grips. A arm lights, both upper and lower
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was very nice for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the CROCODILE..'
Some old men can still think fast...
Happy Spyder Owner
2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.
A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking...The neighbor and said:"Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."To which the blond replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."-
-A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.---
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The Cop says"That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks."Here boy!" she replies.
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself,"the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard."I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
(now this one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and
sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for
indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you
walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.'
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."
Happy Spyder Owner
2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out
with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you
the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Aspydering Ryder subsisto inrideo amicitia I may not be perfect but, I am Canadian, and that's close enough!
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."
Happy Spyder Owner
2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.
What is the best handgun in the event of a Grizzly attack?
Well, for me it would be the Beretta .25cal. Jetfire
My girlfriend and I were hiking in the woods outside Whitehorse, in the Yukon
when I heard a noise behind us and turned to see a huge Grizzly charging us
at high speed....and did she appear mad! We must have been near one of
her cubs. If I wouldn't have had my little Jetfire with me I wouldn't be here
today.
Just one of those tiny rounds in my girlfriends kneecap was all it took.....the
bear went for her and I was able to get away at just a brisk walk!
'09 SM5, Hindle pipe, K&N, sport rack, backrest, Givi shield EVO swaybar, Symtec grip heaters, Spyderpops belt guard....some other stuff.
Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it,
Be afraid of the one saying 'To Whom it May Concern'!
This one's true...
A camp cook in Alaska shot and killed a Grizzly that wandered into her camp with a .22 short!
She aimed for it's ear and pulled the trigger... Lights out!
This one's true...
A camp cook in Alaska shot and killed a Grizzly that wandered into her camp with a .22 short!
She aimed for it's ear and pulled the trigger... Lights out!
Holy cow!! That's a 'one in a million' shot!! Think I'd prefer a .454 Casull, tell you the truth!
Those things kill at both ends!
'09 SM5, Hindle pipe, K&N, sport rack, backrest, Givi shield EVO swaybar, Symtec grip heaters, Spyderpops belt guard....some other stuff.
Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it,
Be afraid of the one saying 'To Whom it May Concern'!
Originally Posted by Bob Denman
You're supposed to use a longer sti... never mind!
Reply With Quote
He might be cheap; but at least he's also unlikeable! 
THANKS FOR THE LAUGH !!!
That croc would have been too busy enjoying the view to worry about food! 
