Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too!"

I said, ?Northern Conservative?Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.



Jerry Baumchen

[Pirate looks at --]

Great to have you back with the Jokes Jerry!

[Bob Denman]

65155129-4DF8-414C-94B3-618433707343.jpeg.jpg

[Zip]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

[SpyderConvert]

Lawyers !

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...bar none.


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[Two cats]

I LOVE IT!!! Thanks for the morning laugh

my ribs still hurt I've laughed so hard

[UtahPete]

Hi folks,

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too!"

I said, ?Northern Conservative?Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.



Jerry Baumchen

LMFAO ....

[JerryB]

Hi Folks,

Q: Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?

A: Hebrews



Jerry Baumchen

[canamjhb]

When you're dead, you don't know it but everybody else does. Same with stupid......

[Bob Denman]

2 Feet of Snow.jpg

[Lew L]

The ski resort just above me is scheduled to get 2 -3 FEET of snow. This is just the first of 2 or 3 days winter storm warnings in the Sierra Nevada

Winter has arrived here.

Lew L

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

The ski resort just above me is scheduled to get 2 -3 FEET of snow. This is just the first of 2 or 3 days winter storm warnings in the Sierra Nevada

Winter has arrived here.

Lew L

It's still just thinking about coming to Idaho! Of the 12 ski resorts in the state only Sun Valley is open every day. Three are open weekends only, and 8 are still closed.

[Pirate looks at --]

https://babylonbee.com/news/migrant-...l-wooden-horse

[Bob Denman]

Snap On.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'.

[SpyderConvert]

A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware".

[Bob Denman]

She's probably more right; than we'd like to think...

[Bob Denman]

Clown.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

Man out walking sees a sign in a garden "talking dog for sale".
He knocks on the door and asks the owner "Are you serious about that sign".
The man invites him in and said "yes, come into the garden and I'll introduce you to him".
In the garden is sat a black Labrador, the man says "hello doggy".
"Excuse me", said the dog, "my name is Rodger".
The man is flabbergasted, "I've never heard a dog talk before,".
The dog tells him he learned to speak 'human talk' as a pup, and when the authorities found out he could understand and speak English he was put to work in undercover work, listening in to spys and criminals, and for his efforts he was awarded a special 'medal' for his work in bringing them to justice.
"On my 4th Birthday, I decided to wind down and work part-time as an Airport security dog, again listening in to thwart criminal activity".
The Man wants the dog and asks the owner "how much do you want for him?"
"$10 he says"
"$10," said the man, "why on earth are you selling a talking dog for only $10?"
"because, he's a lying Bast**d..he's only 9 months old and never been out of the Garden!"

[SpyderConvert]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!

[Grandpot]

I just found where PMS was documented in the Bible. The Christmas story in the Book of John states, "Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[SpyderConvert]

When finances get bad, look at the funny side.

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

[Bob Denman]

K-9 Unit.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

As we age, this is most appropriate

It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 80 -
To commemorate her 80th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and
new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few
of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent
and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food
cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and
fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
bob

[Bob Denman]

December 26th, 2018
Location: Insurance Claims Office Phone System
Caller: "I'd like to report a Homeowner's policy claim."
Claims Rep: "I'm sorry to hear that you've had difficulties:
exactly what happened?"
Caller: "Well, the Missus and I had just settled in on
Christmas Eve, when I heard a loud series of bumps and
scraping noises up on my roof. I sprang to my feet; to see
What was the matter, and ran to a good spot to see my roof.
I couldn't believe what I saw! There was a red sleigh being
pulled by a whole bunch of reindeer, and a fat guy on my roof!
Those critters were kicking the Hell out of my shingles: I
had just put that new roof on, so I was plenty pissed! I
pulled out my .357 mag, and shot a half-dozen of those beasts!
Well: the Old guy jumped off the roof and started running! The
couple of animals that were still alive, also jumped off, and ran
to our Town Park.
But I didn't dare call the Police. That guy kept screaming that
he was always watching, and knew when I was sleeping...
So I have a question for you.
Claims Rep: What is your question, Sir?"
Caller: "Do you have any good recipes for Caribou?"