Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Have Another Beer.jpg

[cuznjohn]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies."
Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot goes over and slaps the mother.

[Bob Denman]

[SpyderConvert]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance
to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance
and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Bob Denman]

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[Blue Star]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.


A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.


Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.


Here’s how the scam works:


Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look.)

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead, ask for a ride to McDonald’s.


You agree, and they climb into the vehicle.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet was stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.


Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe’s to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.


So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[vided]

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[JerryB]

Hi folks,

So many years in the military, so many jokes...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase, “Secure the building.”

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.



And, yes I was in the Air Force,

Jerry Baumchen

[UtahPete]

Hi folks,

So many years in the military, so many jokes...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase, “Secure the building.”
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

And, yes I was in the Air Force, Jerry Baumchen

Love it. US Navy. Truly enjoyed harassing the Marine contingent aboard the USS Long Beach, as a MAA.

[SL Ken]

Love it. US Navy. Truly enjoyed harassing the Marine contingent aboard the USS Long Beach, as a MAA.

When were you on the Long Beach? My brother was on there in the late 80"s.

[SpyderConvert]

An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Bob Denman]

Do you think that he actually got away with it??

[Peter Aawen]

Your pics/examples aren't visible at all here Blue Star?!?

Dunno about you, but I reckon it sorta looses 'just a little' as a funny when you can't see any of them??

[vided]

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[missouriboy]

When a woman wears a bikini she exposes 90 percent of her body to open view.

But we men are so polite that we only look at the parts that are covered!

[Blue Star]

Your pics/examples aren't visible at all here Blue Star?!?

Dunno about you, but I reckon it sorta looses 'just a little' as a funny when you can't see any of them??

Thank you Peter Aawen. They show for me, but that might be because I posted them. If nobody else can see them I will just delete the posts to save everyone from wasting their time.

[Peter Aawen]

Thank you Peter Aawen. ......If nobody else can see them I will just delete the posts .....

I still can't see anything apart from little blue squares with question marks in them; but I do think that it's worth trying to edit & re-post them before deleting the whole thing?

Altho I guess that sort of joke can lose a lot of it's impact when you hafta explain it/repost it!

Sorry to be such a pain!

[mowin]

Let's see if this works.

Nothing there for me either...

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Nothing there for me either...

I suspect it has something to do with the site where the images are posted: http://img.izismile.com/. Your ISP may be blocking the images from there. I've never seen that site URL before so I just looked at it. There are a lot of sexually oriented photos posted there.

[Peter Aawen]

Let's see if this works.

Still just the little blue squares with question marks?!?

[Blue Star]

Nothing there for me either...

I suspect it has something to do with the site where the images are posted: http://img.izismile.com/. Your ISP may be blocking the images from there. I've never seen that site URL before so I just looked at it. There are a lot of sexually oriented photos posted there.

Still just the little blue squares with question marks?!?

Thank you for the heads up, and for the confirmation of no show of pictures.

I went ahead and deleted the posts for two reason's. First I do not want to make any post with any hidden links like this, and second for some reason even I cannot see the pictures now. There must be something really wrong with it.

I'll let my Uncle know, as I copied and pasted this from an email that he sent me.

[JerryB]

Hi Blue Star,

Re: I copied and pasted this from an email

I am by no means any computer expert. However, from personal experience, this is probably the problem.

I now find that, if it is photos, to save them to somewhere on my computer & then load them into a post.

So far, that has been working for me.

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

[Bob Denman]

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[Peter Aawen]

... The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

Hmm, gotta be something to be said for living in Australia rather than China, no wonder Pandas are rare & getting rarer, yet we've got bloody wombats breeding all over the place Down Under!!

Check out their definition, it says - "Wombat: large brown marsupial native to Australia. Eats roots shoots & leaves."