Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Pull My Finger.jpg

[vided]

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[cuznjohn]

[SPYD1]

I just showed my blond wife this. After reading it she said there wasn't a face there. I'm still laughing. No really, this happened!

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

Poor R2-D2.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man in Bar Harbor, Maine calls the cops to report his wife missing. Says she went kayaking in the harbor and didn't return!

Cops start a big search and call him the next day, saying they found the overturned kayak, but no sign of the wife!

The next day they call and tell him they have bad news, good news and better news! The bad news is, they found the wife on the harbor bottom, drowned. The man asks what's the good news.

Cop tells him that when they pulled her up, she had 12 of the finest Maine Lobsters that anyone can remember seeing since the 60"s clinging to her and the Fire Department thought he might want a share of them!

The man asks what's the better news and the cop tells him they are going to pull her up again tomorrow!



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Florida-lobster.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi speaks softly: "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[Bob Denman]

But if it is work: Do we need to provide hospitalization, Workers Comp, and Disability insurance?

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: But if it is work: Do we need to provide hospitalization, Workers Comp, and Disability insurance?

That is only really important as regards who is the worker & who is the workee.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Thanks, but that brings up another question:
What if it's "work" to one partner, and "recreation" to the other?

[mowin]

But if it is work: Do we need to provide hospitalization, Workers Comp, and Disability insurance?

God I hope not.. my wife works for workers comp.

Wait. That explains a lot.

[Bob Denman]

Can you imagine what some of the C-2 claims forms would look like?

[mowin]

Can you imagine what some of the C-2 claims forms would look like?

Humm.

Is that what she has me sign before we go to bed.....

[Bob Denman]

If it is: just don't ask questions!

...And hang on!!!!!

[Bob Denman]

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- George Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

Hilary Clinton 2016

[vided]

IMG_2083.jpg

[mowin]

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- George Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

Hilary Clinton 2016

Last two are great....

[mowin]

24071.jpg

[vided]

IMG_2376.JPG

[Bob Denman]

IMG_2376.JPG

[vided]

Love your suit

[SpyderConvert]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[SpyderConvert]

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'