Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SPECTACUALR SPIDERMAN]

He got there First!!!

yea there are, they are all bearded men.

[Bob Denman]

yea there are, they are all bearded men.

tatoo2.jpg

[Pirate looks at --]

Snow Day in New York!

What a morning…

8:00 AMI made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at#12 complained about the nose. Carrotsareforfood,notfor decoratingsnow figures.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim guyacross the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops. Theyshow up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I’m told that the snowman’s broomstickhas to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

8:47Things get worse after I mutter,"Yeah, if it's up your ass."

8:52 My phone and broomstick are then seized and I'm taken away in a police car

8:53 My neighbors are cheering.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moralof the story: When it's this cold, stay insideand remember when America was great.

2nd Moral of the story....we aren't all that different!

[ofdave]

dog sniff.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2018!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'



And Paddy said,
' How da fook was I 'spose to pick dem up !!!

[SpyderConvert]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard
colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they,
however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[Bob Denman]

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "OH !! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."

[SpyderConvert]

A 72 year old man is having a drink in a Sarasota bar. Suddenly a
gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so
attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.

After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the
eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your
wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m
game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what
her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:


“Paint my house.”

[ofdave]

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, are you a
chicken tender?

[PrairieSpyder]

What's it called when a chameleon can't change colors?

A reptile disfunction!

[Bob Denman]

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, are you a
chicken tender?

I'd rather be one of those, than the guy whose job it is to moisten the corks before they are inserted into the wine bottle, and sealed into place.
A "Cork-Soaker"

[SpyderConvert]

Working out my travel plans for 2018

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

[Bob Denman]

Selfie2.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

[Bob Denman]

...and the Disney Legal Team is now drafting a lawsuit alleging copyright infringement!

[Bob Denman]

North Korean Bobsled.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks had been set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass,
then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

"You must be doing well. Only two left."

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”




Jerry Baumchen

[UtahPete]

Hi folks,

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”




Jerry aumchen

Sounds like little Johnny had some special tutoring...

[Bob Denman]

Another potential individual who will be outed by the #metoo folks...

But the kid does have style!

[PrairieSpyder]

But now I wonder why he's called "Little" Johnny.

[Bob Denman]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn...Safe At Last.

[PrairieSpyder]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn...Safe At Last.

[Indyron]

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them."

And, it works... Just like Facebook....

I already have four people following me. .

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist...