Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[draboo]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

[Bob Denman]

Boobies appear.jpg

[ValCruzSpyder]

Punography:
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Bob Denman]

Very nice!

[cjackg]

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[Bob Denman]

there; but for the Grace of God...
R.I.P. Vern!

[RydeOnThree]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .....

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do
it!
1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat..
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat..
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.

[Spyder_Cowgirl]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .....

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 45 years of age cannot do
it!
1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat..
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat..
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.

Funny But also mean!

[Bob Denman]

Damn...
It only took me twenty seconds; should I go back and read it again?

[Rayelljay]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Sydney, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Brisbane, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Perth, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Canberra chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the **** are interchangeable.'

[Bob Denman]

That is true enough NOT to be funny...

[draboo]

Ole is sitting at home when he hears the front doorbell. He answers it and there is a policeman there. The policeman asks if his name is Ole.

"Yeah, dat's me" says Ole.

The policeman says, "I'm sorry to tell you, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

Ole says, "Well, yah, but she's a darn good cook and has a great personality."

[Bob Denman]

Are we allowed to laugh at this one?

[coz]

Ole is sitting at home when he hears the front doorbell. He answers it and there is a policeman there. The policeman asks if his name is Ole.

"Yeah, dat's me" says Ole.

The policeman says, "I'm sorry to tell you, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

Ole says, "Well, yah, but she's a darn good cook and has a great personality."

who is Brad?

[spydaman60]

Are we allowed to laugh at this one?

if you're not from Minnesota or north Dakota!

[Bob Denman]

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a buffalo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the buffalo's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the buffalo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

[Bob Denman]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on
your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to
make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded :
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there ? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to
Rome . So, how are you getting there ?"
"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate !"
"BA ?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and
exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the
inest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
at no extra charge !"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand ! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really ! What'd he say ?"
He said : "Who the HELL did your hair ?"

[Cruzr Joe]

Good one

Cruzr joe

[draboo]

Cowboy: "That your dog?" Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[Bob Denman]

[ValCruzSpyder]

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."


That's just way too funny!!!!

[Spyder_Cowgirl]

"Cowboy and Indian" reminds me of a poster I saw years ago (on the back of an office door!).

"<Insert US State here>, where men are men and sheep are scared."

I've removed the actual state so as not to offend it's residents, plus I'm not positive of which state was actually on the poster.

Best Regards ..... Ann

[Trickie Dick]

"Cowboy and Indian" reminds me of a poster I saw years ago (on the back of an office door!).

"<Insert US State here>, where men are men and sheep are scared."

I've removed the actual state so as not to offend it's residents, plus I'm not positive of which state was actually on the poster.

Best Regards ..... Ann

I think it was Texas

[Bob Denman]

Texas is much more than a State; it's a state of mind!

[Bob Denman]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES
A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

1.The nicest thing about the future is . . .
that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog .. . .
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor . . .
you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining . . .
as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .
when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . .
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . .
because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions . . .
you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . ..
and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . ..
who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins . . ..
the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. . ..
like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" . . .
when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where . . .
'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . .
there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .
not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .
we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness .. . .
but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .
you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . ..
and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow .. . .
but it's still a gift.