Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

I Left It Under....jpg

[Bob Denman]

Melted Good Humor Truck.jpg

[PrairieSpyder]

Where was that when I was struggling to lose weight?

[Bob Denman]

I saw THAT one; and did this...

I had to eat two pounds of bacon; smothered in extra-sharp cheddar cheese, to console myself!

[Bob Denman]

Q. What's the Cuban
National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an
Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.

.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F'
word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'

[PrairieSpyder]

Good ones, Bob!

Equal opportunity offender!!

[Bob Denman]

That was the title of the email..."Let's offend Everybody"
But I didn't post the entire message... I felt compelled to "tone it down", just a little bit.

[PrairieSpyder]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a dwarf!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I'M NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"


And that's how the fight started!

[Bob Denman]

The Missus came home from a meeting one evening, and her Mom had called for her.
So I give her the missage...
"Your Mom called."
"What'd she want?"
My reply:
"The same thing for me, that I want for her; a slow painful death!"

THAT's when the fight started!
Rock em sock em.jpg

[draboo]

A blonde was pulled over for speeding by a blonde state trooper.

"Let me see your drivers license" says the trooper

"I cannot seem to find it. What does it look like?" quips the yellow haired driver

"It's square and has your picture on it" replies the blonde trooper.

The driver finds a mirror and says "Here it is!" and hands it to the trooper.

The trooper hands it back.." You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop".

[Bob Denman]

How do you dial 911.jpg

[Bob Denman]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,



'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

[PrairieSpyder]

And old man got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk
to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or“Are we hungry?” He'd had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in the bedside stand. Later he was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!


The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A stripper pops out of the cake at the 90 yr old Spyder rider's birthday party and asks: "Are you in the mood for some super sex?"

"I'll take the soup." was his reply.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it will take 30 visits and it won't stay changed...


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change.


How many gynecologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares, he has a head lamp flashlight.



Jerry Baumchen

[PrairieSpyder]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

[Bob Denman]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”

Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.

“You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office.

“You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary.

“It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but complain since you got here.”



Jerry Baumchen

[PrairieSpyder]

A priest, a southern Pentecostal pastor, and an Orthodox Jewish rabbi make a bet that they can somehow convert a bear to their faith. They each go out into the woods looking for bears
A week later, they’re all in the hospital and a visiting reporter goes up to each of them to find out what happened.
First he goes to the hospital bed with the priest, who has a number of scratches on his arm
The priest tells him, “I found the bear. It was a little tough, but I managed to sprinkle holy water on him – he’s now a practicing Catholic.”
The reporter goes over to the next bed to speak to the pastor. He’s scratched up and his arm is in a sling. The pastor relays, “I found the bear. Wrestled him to the ground. Cast the demons out of him. And baptized him in the river. He’s now a sanctified, uncompromised, on fire, believer.”
Finally the reporter goes to the bed with the rabbi. The rabbi is in a body cast, wrapped up like a mummy, except with an orthodox Jewish hat on his head. “What happened?” asked the reporter. The rabbi answers, “I can’t understand what went wrong. The bear was very open to the idea of converting to Judaism. Everything was going so well – until we got to the circumcision.”

[sddinnh]

OUCH

[Bob Denman]

[ARtraveler]

Ouch x 3

[PrairieSpyder]

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip when all of a sudden their car breaks down.
They pull over to the side of the road and start hypothesizing what is wrong.
The chemical engineer says, “It’s probably something wrong with the catalytic converter.”
“No,” says the mechanical engineer, “It’s probably something wrong with the engine.”
The computer scientist says, “Not sure, but let’s get out, get back in, and see if it starts.”

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Giuseppe excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and he is going to get married.

He said, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agreed.

The next day, he brought three beautiful women into the house, sat them down on the couch, and they chatted for a while.

He then said, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry."

Mama said immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replied: "I don't like her."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

An elderly couple, after 65 years of marriage, were discussing their last days, and the husband asked her to go to the trunk of his car.

She opened it and found 4 ears of corn, withered and dead.

He said honey, I apologize, but every time I cheated on you, I stuck an ear of corn in the trunk.

She sighed, and with a tear in her eye, she opened her own trunk, and there sat 2 ears of corn, not quite edible, but close. . . and next to them was a box.

Intruiged, the old man opened the box and found 12 thousand dollars there.

Puzzled, he asked about the money, they could have used it when times were tough.

She replied that she trusted him to get them through the tough times.

He finally asked the question she was waiting for . . .

"Where did you get the money?"

She kissed him on the cheek, and said that, like him, every time she cheated, she put an ear of corn in the trunk . . . but every time she got a bushel, she sold it!



Jerry Baumchen