Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[PrairieSpyder]

My Mom has passed away, but at least it wasn't from the shock of finding out all the stunts we did when we were kids!

Whenever i think back on my life I realize I'm lucky to have survived to adulthood.

[Bob Denman]

Sometimes I'm amazed that I made it this far...


...and sometimes I'm not so sure that I did!

[mowin]

I think I had the neighborhoods most extensive big wheel bone yard when I was a kid.

[Bob Denman]

[UtahPete]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say "F**k!," the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.

[UtahPete]

Okay, I don't know if this qualifies as a joke, but I got a kick out of this I saw on Facebook;

The Supreme Court has ruled there can be no nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas.
This is NOT for religious reasons; they simply have been unable to find 3 wise men in the nation's capitol...
The search for a virgin also continues....
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable...

[mowin]

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[mowin]

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[mowin]

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[mowin]

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[mowin]

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[Bob Denman]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold
to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde replied it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way.
She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread.
She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! you still don't understand. Your
dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead.

I always wanted a police dog..."

[SpyderConvert]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[Bob Denman]

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED,
ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.
They will lie to you. Trust me!
This is the truth, my computer guy from India assured me.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and
long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town
to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send
messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath
the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he
had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language
to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites,
or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to
that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads
and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to
be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK)
that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
I would not make up this stuff.

[mowin]

Chicago PD.jpg

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

[SpyderConvert]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Carol and Rick take their son Marty on holiday to a nude beach.

Rick goes for a walk on the beach and Marty goes and plays in the water.

Carol takes a sunbath on the sunbed.

Marty comes running up to his mom Carol and says, ”Mom,I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mother says, ”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So Marty goes back to play.

A few minutes later, he comes running back and says, ”Mom, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Dad’s!”

The mom says, ”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.

After about five minutes later, Marty comes running back and says, ”Mom, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”



Jerry Baumchen

[Indyron]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium…

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[SpyderConvert]

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet 
in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

[SpyderConvert]

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

Diet Water.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Healthy Donut Fact.jpg

Who knew??

[Bob Denman]

It Is You.jpg