Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

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[SpyderConvert]

An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went.
She searched and searched.
None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO.
BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The elderly lady figured, what the heck!
She hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog.
She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.
So the elderly lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY,
the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
virile, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE ELDERLY
LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE ELDERLY LADY FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE ELDERLY LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!

[Bob Denman]

[cuznjohn]

A young bride was cooking a roast for her new husband. He noticed she cut some meat off of each end before putting in the pan. He asked "why?" and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the mother and she said "because my mother did it." He asked the grandmother and she said "so it would fit in the pan I used."

[Bob Denman]

Who doesn't love a good joke about Wieners?



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[vided]

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[vided]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,




Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin,




Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ??
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!






Everyone knows..






You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!

[Bob Denman]

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[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A burglar breaks into a house quietly with a lock pick set.

While looking around in the dark with a flashlight, he hears the words, "I see you and Jesus does too!"

He freezes for a second and tries to find where the voice came from.

Again, he hears it, "I see you and Jesus does too!"

Finally, he trains his flashlight on a parrot in a cage. "Aw, shut up! You're nothing but a damn parrot!"

To which the parrot replies sarcastically, "Well yeah, but Jesus is a Doberman!"

"GRRRRRRRRR...."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruisedand he's walking with a limp


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing ofbeauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

A lawyer opened the door of his fancy new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW,
that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh (^%*....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[SpyderConvert]

A lawyer a Hindu and a Muslim were travelling together and late in the evening they stop at a farmhouse to see if they can get accommodations for the night. The farmer is agreeable to putting them up but he says there is only room for two in the house, so one member of the party must stay in the barn. The Hindu says, "I am a peaceful man by my religion, so I will gladly make the small sacrifice of sleeping in the barn. So off he goes to the barn.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Hindu. He says, "There is a cow in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with an animal so sacred." So the Muslim says, "My religion has no rules against sharing quarters with a cow, so I will spend the night in the barn." So off he goes to the barn.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and it is the Muslim. He says, "There is a pig in the barn and my religion will not allow me to share quarters with so unclean an animal." At that, the lawyer throws up his hands and says, "Oh for Pete's sake, I'll go spend the night in the barn. I don't have any bothersome religion that will prevent me from sharing quarters with these animals. So off he goes to the barn.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door.
It's the cow and the pig....

[vided]

what do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom of the ravine?








A START

[Bob Denman]

what do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom of the ravine?








A START

I didn't think that this one was funny: I just thought that it was TRUE!

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

Dearest Dad,I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am presently living in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks. Your favorite daughter, Lilly



DAD'S RESPONSE:

My Dearest Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango,

buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love, Your Dad

[PrairieSpyder]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One's a scum sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other one's a fish!

[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[vided]

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."





"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED,AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT





THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".





WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.





HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

[cuznjohn]