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  1. #4101
    Very Active Member SpyderConvert's Avatar
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    Default Burma Shave

    Burma Shave Signs (Burma Shave was headquarted in Minneapolis. Their first building was demolished last year.)

    DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
    OUT SO FAR
    IT MAY GO HOME
    IN ANOTHER CAR.
    Burma Shave

    TRAINS DON'T WANDER
    ALL OVER THE MAP
    'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
    IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
    Burma Shave

    SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
    BY MISTAKE
    SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
    HER HUSBAND JAKE
    Burma Shave

    DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
    TO GAIN A MINUTE
    YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
    YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
    Burma Shave

    DROVE TOO LONG
    DRIVER SNOOZING
    WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
    IS NOT AMUSING
    Burma Shave

    BROTHER SPEEDER
    LET'S REHEARSE
    ALL TOGETHER
    GOOD MORNING, NURSE
    Burma Shave

    CAUTIOUS RIDER
    TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
    LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
    AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
    Burma Shave

    SPEED WAS HIGH
    WEATHER WAS NOT
    TIRES WERE THIN
    X MARKS THE SPOT
    Burma Shave



    AROUND THE CURVE
    LICKETY-SPLIT
    BEAUTIFUL CAR
    WASN'T IT?
    Burma Shave

    NO MATTER THE PRICE
    NO MATTER HOW NEW
    THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
    IN THE CAR IS YOU
    Burma Shave

    A GUY WHO DRIVES
    A CAR WIDE OPEN
    IS NOT THINKIN'
    HE'S JUST HOPIN'
    Burma Shave

    AT INTERSECTIONS
    LOOK EACH WAY
    A HARP SOUNDS NICE
    BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
    Burma Shave

    BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
    EYES ON THE ROAD
    THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
    DRIVER'S CODE
    Burma Shave

    THE ONE WHO DRIVES
    WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
    DEPENDS ON YOU
    TO DO HIS THINKING
    Burma Shave

    CAR IN DITCH
    DRIVER IN TREE
    THE MOON WAS FULL
    AND SO WAS HE.
    Burma Shave

    PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
    TAKE IT SLOW
    LET OUR LITTLE
    SHAVERS GROW
    Burma Shave

    http://burma-shave.org/jingles/
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  2. #4102
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  3. #4103
    Very Active Member SpyderConvert's Avatar
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    Default Catskill/Borscht Belt Humor

    The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

    The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

    Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

    Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

    A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
    The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

    The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

    There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

    Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

    A man called his mother in Florida , “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

    A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

    Question: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

    Short summary of every Jewish holiday — They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.

    Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

    Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
    A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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  4. #4104
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    Default

    This one is going to all of my Jewish friends!

    Oye…
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  5. #4105
    Very Active Member Lew L's Avatar
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    Default

    That's " oy vey ist mir " to those who know. As long as you're not a "nudge"
    Last edited by Lew L; 12-16-2018 at 11:27 AM. Reason: nudge
    Kaos----- Gone but not forgotten.

    2014 RTS in Circuit Yellow, farkle-ing addiction down to once every few months. ECU FLASH IS GREAT.
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  6. #4106
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    Default

    We need a rim-shot gif.

    I think someone's been reading old vaudeville scripts!
    PrairieSpyder (Patti)

  7. #4107
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  8. #4108
    Very Active Member Bfromla's Avatar
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    Default Unintentionally accurate

    IMG_9161.jpg came across this tonight while out Christmas shopping.
    Also would like to remember the reason for the season IMG_9131.jpg wishing everyone a Merry Christmas & safe everything: travels, families, food, coco& hot chocolate, etc etc
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  9. #4109
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    PrairieSpyder (Patti)

  10. #4110
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    Default

    I always knew that I had good reasons for liking you so much!
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  11. #4111
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bfromla View Post
    ...would like to remember the reason for the season IMG_9131.jpg wishing everyone a Merry Christmas & safe everything: travels, families, food, coco& hot chocolate, etc etc
    I don't understand the joke.
    Last edited by UtahPete; 12-21-2018 at 08:19 PM.
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  12. #4112
    Very Active Member wyliec's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahPete View Post
    I don't understand the joke.
    I think the first picture, which is sideways, is depicting a homeless person laying down; something like a homeless person crossing. I'm not sure b/c it's not a very clear picture, and being sideways doesn't help either. The 2nd picture is self explanatory.

  13. #4113
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyliec View Post
    I think the first picture, which is sideways, is depicting a homeless person laying down; something like a homeless person crossing. I'm not sure b/c it's not a very clear picture, and being sideways doesn't help either. The 2nd picture is self explanatory.
    So, the second picture is a joke?
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  14. #4114
    Very Active Member wyliec's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahPete View Post
    So, the second picture is a joke?
    I don't think either one is a joke. The 2nd picture is meant to show you the true meaning of Christmas, and it isn't Santa. I think you've mentioned before your stance on religion; so, I'll leave you at this point.

  15. #4115
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    Quote Originally Posted by wyliec View Post
    I don't think either one is a joke. The 2nd picture is meant to show you the true meaning of Christmas, and it isn't Santa. I think you've mentioned before your stance on religion; so, I'll leave you at this point.
    I did not think of the second picture as a joke, so I didn't get why it is in the joke thread...
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  16. #4116
    Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Peter Aawen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UtahPete View Post
    Well, I did not think of the second picture as a joke, so I didn't get why it is in the joke thread...

    Cos the bit of that sentence that you left out of your quote, ie, the 'Also' bit at the beginning, was (I believe, anyway) intended to make it clear to most readers that what followed WASN'T MEANT to be a joke but intended to remind us that no matter how funny or not you might find any of the preceding 'Christmas joke' stuff in that post or any other might or might not be, there is an underlying reason for why we actually celebrate Christmas in the first place!! You don't hafta believe it, you don't even hafta celebrate it, but it's STILL the underlying reason that your country & mine celebrate the event.

    And getting back to Christmas jokes....

    here’s a Christmas Challenge for you all!

    Can you name all 10 of Santa’s Reindeer?







    Most people remember the easy names; there's Dasher & Dancer, Prancer & Vixen, Comet & Cupid, & Donner and Blitzen (that’s 8)

    Then there's Rudolph (9), but most get stuck on number 10. Do you know its name??





    C'mon, it's Olive!!

    You know, Olive the Reindeer.

    Don’t you remember Olive? Of course you do, just sing the song:

    "..…Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games.”

    See, 10 Reindeer names!
    Last edited by Peter Aawen; 12-21-2018 at 09:53 PM.
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  17. #4117
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    Default

    Technically speaking..l There is also an 11th Reindeer: Chet!

    Chet.jpg
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  18. #4118
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  19. #4119
    Very Active Member Bfromla's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Aawen View Post
    Cos the bit of that sentence that you left out of your quote, ie, the 'Also' bit at the beginning, was (I believe, anyway) intended to make it clear to most readers that what followed WASN'T MEANT to be a joke but intended to remind us that no matter how funny or not you might find any of the preceding 'Christmas joke' stuff in that post or any other might or might not be, there is an underlying reason for why we actually celebrate Christmas in the first place!! You don't hafta believe it, you don't even hafta celebrate it, but it's STILL the underlying reason that your country & mine celebrate the event.

    And getting back to Christmas jokes....

    here’s a Christmas Challenge for you all!

    Can you name all 10 of Santa’s Reindeer?







    Most people remember the easy names; there's Dasher & Dancer, Prancer & Vixen, Comet & Cupid, & Donner and Blitzen (that’s 8)

    Then there's Rudolph (9), but most get stuck on number 10. Do you know its name??





    C'mon, it's Olive!!

    You know, Olive the Reindeer.

    Don’t you remember Olive? Of course you do, just sing the song:

    "..…Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph join in any Reindeer games.”

    See, 10 Reindeer names!
    thank you for the assist & the reindeer list sorry about the sideways pic , FYI it was actually a pedestrian crosswalk sign that the top came loose so the crosswalk figure looks like the slip & fall sign for the ENTIRE crossing not just a little fold out slip & fall sign.

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  20. #4120
    Very Active Member mowin's Avatar
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  21. #4121
    Very Active Member SpyderConvert's Avatar
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    Default Hillbilly Striptease

    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of hisoveralls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

    Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

    "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

    "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    (Don't make me splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly...)
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  22. #4122
    Active Member Tanshanomi's Avatar
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    Default

    I met a man who claimed he'd built a stretch limo out of two Daihatsu hatchbacks.
    It ended up being one big Charade.

    2013 RS-S SM5 [His] • 2021 RT Base [Hers] • 1977 Bultaco custom roadster • 1974 Harley-Davidson/Aermacchi 350 SS

  23. #4123
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  24. #4124
    Very Active Member ofdave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tanshanomi View Post
    I met a man who claimed he'd built a stretch limo out of two Daihatsu hatchbacks.
    It ended up being one big Charade.
    and I thought I'd heard corny jokes before

    (at least I got it)



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  25. #4125
    Very Active Member JerryB's Avatar
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    Default

    Hi folks,

    OK, it's a joke; so don't get your panties in a wad.

    A nun is doing a crossword puzzle on a long airline flight when she asked the passenger next to her if she knows of a four letter word ending in “unt” that describes a certain type of female.

    The passenger thinks for a couple of seconds and then says “Of course, the word would be “Aunt”.

    The nun then says, “Ratz, can I borrow your eraser”.


    Jerry Baumchen
    'I'll never forget what's her name.'

    'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower

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