Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

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[NautiBrit]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.


John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.


Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,


"May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

[Bob Denman]

And a Happy Thanksgiving to you as well...

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

An elderly RV couple enjoying the lifestyle is sitting in the kitchen one morning, having their usual quiet breakfast. She in her old, thin nightgown... he in his robe.
As usual, he's holding up the paper, checking the scores.
She is feeling wistful, thinking of the old days when their love was young.
"Arthur", she finally says, "do you still find me attractive?"
Without moving his paper, he says, "Yeah... sure, Martha."
"But Arthur, she says, "am I still sexy to you?"
From behind the paper he says, "Yeah, yeah... you're still sexy."
"But Arthur!", she says, "You barely look at me anymore!"
He puts down his paper and looks across the table. "Martha!", he says earnestly, "I love you so much. You are ravishing! ...the most wonderful, sexy woman on earth! I couldn't live without you!"
"Oh, Arthur!", she says, "When you talk that way to me, I can feel my nipples get hot!"
He picks up his paper again and says, "Well, they should be hot. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

[SpyderConvert]

[ofdave]

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[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture,
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in place.

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Blue Star]

[sylvester]

2 buddy's sitting at the bar
one turns to the other and says, man you look tired what's wrong

his buddy says, my girlfriend constantly wants sex wakes me up all hours of the night
and i like it but i get exhausted and don't know what to do

old man sitting at the end of the bar says i've been eves dropping on your conversation
you can easily solve that problem

just merry her

[Bob Denman]

Yup! That'll do it...

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

I had no idea that I was such an Athlete!

[Bob Denman]

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[SpyderConvert]

[mowin]

.....Kinda has a dual meaning....

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[mowin]

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[BigGuy66]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason…they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation's capital.

A search for a virgin also continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Bob Denman]

That's too true, to actually be funny...

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

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