Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard thegunshot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

At least he didn't say, "Awwwww... Leftovers AGAIN??"

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

​Dear Medicare Recipient:

Say you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Medicare Part G), and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians. This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the health care you will ever need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Two Senior Citizens were discussing their upcoming new life together...
"I want to keep my old house. I can rent it out, earning myself a bit of money, and if we go bust, I'll have someplace to land.", says the woman.
"Okay", he says.
"And I really like my Cadillac. You should always make sure that I always have a new one to drive."
"Done", he says again.
"And I want to have sex, six times a week; I'm not getting any younger, and time's a-wasting!", is her next request.
"Excellent idea; put me down for Fridays..."

[Orange Spyder Man]

Three nuns were talking one Saturday afternoon... one nun was from Texas, another was from Hawaii ... and the last nun (72 y.o.) was from New York,
the Texan nun was bragging that everything in Texas was big, she said, " our jackrabbits are so big, we saddle & ride them, our ranches are so large, it takes a man on horse back a week to ride across them... Well, the nun from Hawaii had to say something about Hawaii, so she said, in Hawaii we have coconuts as big as basketballs, and bananas 14" long... the old nun from New York was kinda hard of hearing.. and leaned and said...
"FATHER, WHO" ??

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Not so much a joke as a truism:

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

I'll drink to that!

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Years ago at a picnic several of us were sitting at a picnic table discussing what we liked best about chicken. My wife was sitting on the other side from me. I commented that I liked the breast best, but hadn't decided which way, look, taste, or feel. Water from a glass instantly flew across the table!

[Bob Denman]

It's funny just how good their hearing can be...

...When you LEAST expect it!

[Bob Denman]

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles Airport.The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a ?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"

[cuznjohn]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?

[bronzeflex42]

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles Airport.The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a ?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"

now this is funny!!

[bronzeflex42]

Hi folks,

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"



Jerry Baumchen

to funny!!

[Bob Denman]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!

[cuznjohn]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!

NOW THAT'S FUNNY STUFF

[PrairieSpyder]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don't you dare press any buttons, cos you'll only **** it up!

I've heard this one before, but couldn't remember them all. But I think my version had for paranoid, to hang up and wait; we know where you are and will come and get you.

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

[spyder3]

12 seconds....I missed this when it happened.

[cuznjohn]

a man meets a woman and they become romantically involved. so one night the man says to her, lets do something different tonight so he takes her to a cemetery and they make love on one of the old flat marble grave markers. they make love for a hour and than leave. the next day the woman calls him and says her back hurts and see needs a ride to a back doctor she found in the phone book, and he took her. when she met the doctor he asked her to undress to examine her, he than ask her to turn for him. when she faced him again he asked her, how old did you say you were, and she said 32 why? the doctor said, BECAUSE ON YOU a$$ IT SAYS YOU DIED IN 1927

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the letter with trembling hands and read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it's safe for me to come home."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Okay... How many times did you spring THAT little ditty on your folks?

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: Okay... How many times did you spring THAT little ditty on your folks?

I may have caused my old man a fair number of grey hairs but not from anything like that.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Guilty of the same offenses as well...

[srwilli]

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.