Courtroom Funnies

[Joe T.]

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Courtroom Funnies

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
==========================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
==========================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
==========================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
==========================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
==========================
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
==========================
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.
==========================
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
==========================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>==========================
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>==========================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

[Bob Denman]

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC
370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake
hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for
recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait,
however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance
being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally
struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be
removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or
"FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of
BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday
afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs,
hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the
same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied
sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing
divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected
(Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving
vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the
kill site.