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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Billy Bob and Bubba were at a restaurant eating when a lady next to them started choking. Bubba asked her, " can ya swaller"? She shook her head no! Bubba then asked " can ya breathe"? Again, she shook her head NO! Billy Bob runs over, pulls her pants down and licks her butt cheeks! The woman, caught totally off guard, some how manages to break the food free and spits it out. Bubba looks at Billy Bob and says, " I've heard of that thar hind lick maneuver, but never seen nobody do it before !
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times 2!
Last edited by AnthonyG; 11-23-2018 at 09:00 AM.
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(I'm not sure how well this will come across as it is a rather aural joke. One that doctors and nurses love.)
A young lady is at a doctor's office, her first visit to a new OB-GYN (women's doctor for those who don't know.)
The nurse has gotten her in her gown and seated her on The Table, her feet in the stirrups in that most lady-like pose that women hate and Hustler loves.
In walks the doctor, mature, handsome and wise-looking. He perfunctorily greets her after glancing at her chart, seats himself on the low stool at the end of the table and raises her gown to begin his examination.
As the nurse hands him the speculum (think of stainless steel scissor-type salad tongs), he says to the young lady, "Before we proceed, I need to numb you."
"Okay", she says.
"nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom ", hé slurps.
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Very Active Member
I've discovered why I'm getting fat; the shampoo I use in the shower runs down and "adds extra volume and body". So I'm going to start using Dawn dish detergent, it "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".
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Alzheimer's test----good luck
Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert
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Whew! I was getting worried there for a moment...
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Very Active Member
Originally Posted by warp10
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert
But did you know that there are three levels of version?
PREvert
PERvert
and
PROvert
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two guys
Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
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Very Active Member
Home Depot Scam, be careful out there.
I got caught in the Home Depot scam recently. It's a variant of the old squeegee scam they used to pull in NYC at street corners.
I was coming out of Home Depot and there were three girls wearing skimpy outfits washing my car.
I figured, damn, they want money.
I got to the car and told them to stop, and I wasn't going to give them any cash.
They said no problem, all they wanted was a ride to the next Home Depot.
Being that they were young and attractive, I figured what the heck.
They hopped in the car and I drove them to the Home Depot in the next town.
When I stopped the car in the parking lot they refused to get out.
They got real down and dirty with me (wink wink nudge nudge)
After that they thanked me and got out.
When I got home, I found out they had lifted my wallet and stole my money!!!
This happened to me last Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
I couldn't find them Tuesday but found them in the Lowes on Wednesday.
Incidentally, Wall-Mart has a sale on Nylon wallets.
If it ain't broke, don't break it.
IBA #47122
2020 RT Limited Asphalt Grey
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MOgang Member
I was at a grocery store following a grandpa and his out of control 3 year old grandson. He had his hands full with this kid screaming for candy in the candy isle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for chips, sugary cereals and coke in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and I hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing things out of the cart, and grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, I go outside where the Grandpa is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you calmly kept say things would be okay. William is a very lucky to have you as his Grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William........ the little brat's name is Kevin."
Joy
Very Happy Ryder... '09 Phantom and a '15 F3-S
If you don't slow down, they can't catch you..
If you don't give up, they can't win.
What a long strange journey its been.
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A Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist".
The proctologist fainted.
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black box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh** !"
Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and
Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my
beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
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holidays
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring," Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
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pregnant lady
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about
8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was
smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on
the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,she complained to the driver
and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the
man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that
said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and
sat under a sign that said,"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and
I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said,"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I
just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Hepner,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Hepner, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
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I got this email today:
**********
BEING A COURT REPORTER IS NOT EASY.
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
*
*
*
=
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A wish to live forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Last edited by AnthonyG; 11-23-2018 at 08:57 AM.
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a gorgeous girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing beautiful?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering French kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
-
Originally Posted by Bob Denman
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Hepner,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Hepner, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
That's funny. Next time I'm at Target, I'm doing #1.
-
wishes
Two guys were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer
on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their
circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot!
Now were going to have to piss in the boat !!
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