Computer Terms

[missouriboy]

(This is for Rattigan-Roger and whoever else might be interested. It's a one-page helpsheet I composed back in '91.)

Oh, Ware Is Me

Computer terms got you confused? They can be interesting when you discover how some of them tie together. Let these definitions enlighten you...

Hardware

The tabbage invented by Babbage that wrought this trauma upon us all.

Software
(See Firmware)

HPware
Programs that make that great HP (Hewlett-Packard) Hardware go like sixty.

Firmware
The supportive plasma that binds the bones of all the nerds who write the words that run the tabbage wrought by Babbage. So named because of its maturity in the workplace, i.e., aged at least 18 years (but never more than forty: see Software).

Washnware
Silicon chips that control multi-cycle home-laundry Hardware.

HBware
Those synapses that enable the HB (Human Brain) Supercomputer to work all its magical wonders.

Netware
Recovery tools used by orderlies when the Firmware types find the Escape Key.

Underware
The subroutines most often processed by Washnware.

Smartware
The family of products which seek, but never quite succeed, to emulate HBware.

Shareware
Last year's Underware your older brother or sister has outgrown.

Blunderware
Nerd words unfortunately infested with insects.

Cookware
The logic behind your Microwave buttons.
(Former definition, now obsolete: pots & pans.)

Yuk... doesn't all this really hit you ware it hurts?

missouriboy
c 2/91

[NorthStar]

COMPUTER TERMS

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

[Chupaca]

great discriptions of the techy terminology...

[missouriboy]

BUMP -- for all the newbies.

[Bfromla]

Didja know Air conditioners are are like computers?

Ya they both dont run well with windows open! & some people may not know:


Nxt time you have to call a repair geek for computer problem start off with:
"I have a error screen. "
they will ask "what error" reply
"It says a 10T - ID. Error"
***********
Fyi ID is the prefix so
It is a ID10T error

[Bob Denman]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:

1... No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten
a better model.


The women won.