Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my h ands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

My thumbs have been lying to me: all of these years!

[mowin]

Hmm,. That explains why my wife wanted to see my thumbs on our first date...

[Bob Denman]

She was checking to make sure that you'd be able to get her a ride home, if your car broke down...

shutterstock_138668495.jpg

[cuznjohn]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,20 times
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife.

[Bob Denman]

Look out.jpg

[cuznjohn]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate"
so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
The teacher sat down and cried.

[Bob Denman]

Was it because she was jealous of Aunt Carolyn?

[mowin]

Gotta like Johnny.

[Bob Denman]

This one won't last... but it IS funny!

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save
the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about
trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi
conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

[mowin]

This one won't last... but it IS funny!

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save
the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about
trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi
conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

[Bob Denman]

I figured that you'd get it...

[Pirate looks at --]

😽

I figured that you'd get it...

Pretty funny!

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: He found a helpless Democrat

I am continually amazed as to why you & some others on here simply cannot follow the rules.

Jerry Baumchen

[cuznjohn]

i am amazed why some can't find humor in things that are meant to be funny.

[JerryB]

Hi cuznjohn,

Re: i am amazed why some can't find humor in things that are meant to be funny.

I did find it funny. However, many years ago, in Basic Training, SSGT Don A. Whillocks told us, 'If you don't like the rules, don't play the game.'

Seems like a simply concept to me,

Jerry Baumchen

PS) Wanna guess who made the rules for this forum?

[Bob Denman]

Hi Bob,

Re: He found a helpless Democrat

I am continually amazed as to why you & some others on here simply cannot follow the rules.

Jerry Baumchen

I will apologize for it...
If I could have figured out a way to change it up a bit; I would have.

But the entire idea just struck me as funny. Would yo like to re-post, and just switch around the Party Affiliations?
I'd count that as fair!

[cuznjohn]

jerry i am not looking to start any stuff on here, and i know who made the rules. but you have called people out for a few things on here, and once said something to me and a few others about lawyer jokes before. so i just felt that if is ok for you to say something about a post or rules on here, it would be ok for me to post what i thought to say. and why do you do a re: with a caption of what was said. we know what your talking about

[Bob Denman]

If I may offer my viewpoint...
I interpret the term, "Political Discussion", as one in which arguments regarding the positive and negative aspects of a Candidate, or a Party Platform are being argued over...
The joke that has started this storm (to me...), is more of a religious hunting experience...

...just sayin'...

[ARtraveler]

I figured that you'd get it...

I usually stay out of the joke forum. But...that was a good one Bob. And the descriptions even fit. When I did a stint with the tree huggers, they used to come and ask my opinion on things so they could get a view from the "other" side.

[Bob Denman]

That's what I liked about it...
But if anybody wants to turn it into a story about some Democrats using a Conservative or a Republican (from Montana) as bait: go for it!
I'd probably laugh my butt off over it.

[Cruzr Joe]

Hi Bob,

Re: He found a helpless Democrat

I am continually amazed as to why you & some others on here simply cannot follow the rules.

Jerry Baumchen

Jerry:

Get a life. This is a joke forum, not church.

Cruzr Joe

[Bob Denman]

Please: Let's cut him a bit of slack...
Jerry has no problem letting us know his Political leanings...
I have no problem doing the same!
We are completely on the opposite sides of the fence in this regard...
Yet I try to respect his choices, and I hope that he can at least put up with mine.
When I post a joke like the one in the cross-hairs: I thought about what he would think about it, and I hoped that it wouldn't strike too raw of a nerve...

[Cruzr Joe]

growacet.jpg