Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[cuznjohn]

[vided]

IMG_2083.jpg

And true

[Bob Denman]

That's how I ended up using it!
But now I've got to change it!!

[Bob Denman]

Drunks go to parties.jpg

[AY4B]

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,

“I would like to go in and meet with President *****.”
...

The Marine looks at the man and says,

“Sir, Mr. ***** is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man says,

“Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,

“I would like to go in and meet with President *****.”

The Marine again tells the man,

“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. ***** is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanks him and again walks away.

On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,

“I would like to go in and meet with President *****.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,

“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. *****. I’ve told you already that Mr. ***** is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,

“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

“See you tomorrow, Sir!”

[Bob Denman]

If you just consider the truth in the words; this is perfectly accurate!

cleavage.jpg

[cuznjohn]

If you just consider the truth in the words; this is perfectly accurate!

cleavage.jpg

this is so true

[Bob Denman]

I hesitated posting it, because I knew that you had lost the "Southpaw" thread...

[Bob Denman]

Swamp Thing.jpg

[vided]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
______________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _______

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Bob Denman]

Okay... Just a couple more of these, and I can put them away for four more years...

Rosie WILL be leaving.jpg

You DID say that you'd leave...

[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

I almost forgot about the wall...

****ting Bricks.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Here's one for the General...

Honor Killings.jpg

[Bob Denman]

I'm sorry if you didn't like them...
I'm happy if you did!

Let's let some humor grease the rails to a United Country!

[cuznjohn]

[Joe T.]

Lunch:




Fancy Feast.jpg

Joe T.

[vided]

And then the fight started

[Bfromla]

Lunch:




Fancy Feast.jpg

Joe T.

Did he include the spoon??[emoji12]

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

If the question is:

"How do you like your steak cooked?"

My response: "YES!!"

[Bob Denman]

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniorswould have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to thebathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw thatit was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, rememberits God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 - In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[Bob Denman]

HE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
LAW OF Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch and you’ll have to pee.
LAW OF gravity
Any coin, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
LAW OF Random numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you’ll never get a busy signal and someone
will always answers.
LAW OF the alibi
If you tell the boss you were late because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation LAW
If you change lanes , the one you were in will always move faster than
the one you are now in (works every time)
LAW OF the bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW of close encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen.
LAW of result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
LAW of biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW of the theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbuck LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s LAW of the lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW of physical surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the
floor covering, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet.
LAW of logical argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s LAW physical appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s LAW of public speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s LAW of commercial marketing strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctor’s LAW
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go the doctor, by the
time you get there you will feel better

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

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