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  1. #176
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    Have you looked under your armpits??
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  2. #177
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    Default cow

    The only cow in a small town in Wisconsin stopped giving milk.

    The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Minnesota for $200.

    They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful.

    It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

    They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

    They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

    However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

    They told the Vet what was happening.

    "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.

    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

    An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

    "That’s amazing!" they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

    "My wife is from Minnesota. . . .

  3. #178
    Very Active Member coz's Avatar
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    Default horse

    a horse walked into a bar one day. the bartender says'' hey buddy, why the long face.''
    it was fun while it lasted.

  4. #179
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    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started...



  5. #180
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    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    Hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
    Celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started.



  6. #181
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    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started....



  7. #182
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    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started..

  8. #183
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    IRISH TALKING CLOCK


    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
    to a couple of his friends.


    He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

    'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

    'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

    'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

    'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

    'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.


    'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong

    an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.


    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
    'You A*****E! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'
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  9. #184
    Very Active Member coz's Avatar
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    Default a guy in a bar

    a guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. the bartender pulls out his gun, fires one shot just missing the guy's head. the guy thanks the the bartender, leaves a nice tip and walks out. why the tip and thank you?
    it was fun while it lasted.

  10. #185
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    I would like to share an experience with you , about drinking and driving.

    As you know, some of us have been known to "tipple" during this time of the year. Well, last night it happened to me.

    Being New Years Eve, I went out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much very nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

    I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

  11. #186
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    Quote Originally Posted by coz View Post
    a guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. the bartender pulls out his gun, fires one shot just missing the guy's head. the guy thanks the the bartender, leaves a nice tip and walks out. why the tip and thank you?
    He was trying to cure his hiccups???
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  12. #187
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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
    ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
    at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
    agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
    apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
    know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
    replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
    clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
    finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
    them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
    She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
    and asked, 'How does that feel'?
    Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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  13. #188
    Very Active Member coz's Avatar
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    Default hiccups

    you guessed it bob. sorry to here about your broken thumb dannymax No MORE BUS STEALING
    it was fun while it lasted.

  14. #189
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by coz View Post
    you guessed it bob. sorry to here about your broken thumb dannymax No MORE BUS STEALING
    ......She really did!

  15. #190
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    The wife and I were sitting on the couch the other night watching TV, I had the remote, of course, and kept switching back & forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.
    Finally she said, "For crying out loud....leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish!"

  16. #191
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    ...And then the fight started...
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  17. #192
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    A sad place to be.....

    I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Michigan near the Canadian border.
    He said since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
    His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
    He says if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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  18. #193
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Default Where I have and haven't been:

    Where I have and haven't been:


    I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.


    I have also been in Limbo, but that contention is totally unsupported.


    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

    Now if I can just avoid being in Continent.

  19. #194
    Very Active Member granpa in Cincy's Avatar
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    Default Elderly couple from Texas visit WV

    John is 78 and Tina is 74 they have been married for a few too many years. They choose to visit the mountains in his home state of West Virginia. As they are traveling through one of the towns, John misses a speed limit sign and the local Officer pulls him over.

    John stops the car and the Officer steps up to his window and asks for his drivers license...
    Tina (who is very hard of hearing) demands to know what the Officer said...

    Tina - (in her LOUD screeching voice)"Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"

    John - (LOUDLY) "He asked for my license"

    Officer - "I see that you are from Texas"

    Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"

    John - "He sees that we are from Texas"

    Officer - "I was stationed in Texas while I was in the Army"

    Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"

    John - "He used to live in Texas"

    Officer - "Yes sir, when I lived there... I dated a woman who lived in Dallas. She was the absolute worst lay that I ever had in my entire life!"

    Tina - (in her screeching voice) "Whadidee say John? Whadidee say?"

    John - "He says he thinks he knows you"

  20. #195
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

    Over triple expressos, the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon", as he arched his eyebrows.

    The Scotsman then replies, "Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices".

    The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

    The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'We Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

    And so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

    With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

    The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women."
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  21. #196
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    ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
    * his last battle
    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    * at the bottom of the page
    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
    * liquid
    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
    * marriage
    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
    * exams
    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
    * Lunch & dinner
    Q7. What looks like half an apple?
    * The other half
    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
    * it will simply become wet
    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
    * No problem, he sleeps at night.
    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
    * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
    * Very large hands
    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall?
    * No time at all, the wall is already built.

  22. #197
    Very Active Member Arr MiHardies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLUE MULE View Post
    How to Identify Where a Driver is From
    1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
    2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
    3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
    4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
    5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
    6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
    7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
    8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
    9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
    10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
    11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
    12. If you see all of the above in any 5 minute period, you are in Las Vegas.
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  23. #198
    Very Active Member Arr MiHardies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yazz View Post
    Picture of an inbred cat...

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    Think you're having a bad week?

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    An inbred cat is in bread.
    Last edited by Arr MiHardies; 01-05-2012 at 03:30 AM.
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  24. #199
    Very Active Member Arr MiHardies's Avatar
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    bad Joke, i know. Had to get it out of my head.
    Outside of the boxing gym, there is a long queue of people waiting to meet the newest heavyweight champion. And each, in turn is taken away on a stretcher after the champion hits them with an upper cut or a jab. Curious as to what is going on, Joe gets in line. Finally he gets to the front and takes his turn with the champion. Before the champ can hit him he says, "hey, I've stood in this line for almost an hour now, and all I've seen you do is hit people. What's going on here." The champ replies, "Son, didn't you know? This is the punchline."
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  25. #200
    Very Active Member GeoffCee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tconaagt View Post
    Now if I can just avoid being in Continent.
    A sense of humour like yours is in Valuable.

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