A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
“We'll have a new one."
So now you know why they shoot the cannon at 1 PM vs. 12 noon for the time check...
Jerry
13 ST Limited F/R suspension, Corbin, GIVI top case
16 Vespa Primavera 150: Stock
16 Piaggio BV350: Suspension, braking mods in work
14 HD XL1200T: F/R suspension and brake mods; Corbin saddle and bags
09 Aprilia SC250: F/R suspension and minor brake mods
97 Honda PC800: F/R wheels, F/R suspension, and F/R brake Mods; Corbin saddle
90 CB-1: In work, long term project
89 Honda NT650: F/R suspension; Corbin saddle
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now; so, he asked me to keep you occupied." The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder, and says, "You better hurry home.My wife died a year ago."
a man goes to his doctor to get results from a battery of tests he had due to never feeling good.
the doctor comes in and says, I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR YOU
the man says, DOCTOR GIVE ME THE BAD NEWS FIRST.
the doctor says, YOU HAVE A INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR, AND YOU ONLY HAVE 6 WEEKS TO LIVE.
the man says WOW DOCTOR, ARE YOU SURE
and the doctor says, YES I AM
at that point the man says,,, WHAT COULD BE GOOD NEWS AFTER THAT
and the doctor says,,,, I'M SCREWING MY RECEPTIONIST !
I, Mr. P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for thefollowing reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation..
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
Mr. P. Niss
The Management Response:
Dear Mr. P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay inyour designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in orderto start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed theassigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exitingthe workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
Ms. V. Gina
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
He said to her: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said to him: You wear pants don't you?
He said to her: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said to him: That's a good idea -you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to her: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to her: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said to him: They don't have time.
He said to her: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said to him: I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to her: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said to him: They already have boyfriends.
He said to her: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said to him: A widow.
He said to her: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
The boss had to fire somebody. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap."
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
When Writing the Story of Your Life.... Don't Let Anyone Else Hold the Pen
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.It is called the 401- Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
2021 Sea To Sky, 2020 RTL
Isn't it weird that in AMERICA our flag and our culture offend so many people...... but our benefits don't?
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.It is called the 401- Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
Which brand of beer has the heaviest aluminum can? (i want to get the most out of my money).
2018 F3 Limited, BRP Driver Backrest, Spyderpops Lighted Bump Skid, Dual Spyclops Light, Mirror Turn Signals, Laser Alignment, Engine LEDs, Fog Lights With Halo's, Cushion Handgrips, BRT LEDs, and Under Lighting, Lamonster IPS, (with Clock), F4 25" Vented Windshield with Wings, Airhawk "R" Cushions. Position 4 Brake setting, Short reach Handlebars, Dash Mounted Voltmeter and 12 Volt Plug. Set of 3rd pegs. Extended Passenger Seat. Exterior BRP Connect setup, Ultimate Trailer
Good one, John!
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Originally Posted by PW2013STL
