Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Trickie Dick]

Tony, age 92, and Carmella, age 89, living in Jersey City ,are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Tony suggests they go in.

Tony addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Tony: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Tony: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Tony: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Tony: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Tony: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Tony: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Tony: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Tony: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Tony: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Tony: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[tconaagt]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[ThreeWheels]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam.. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead guilty.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[warp10]

[QUOTE=ThreeWheels;381638]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam.. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead guilty.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

I guess the evidence diddn't stand up in court

[warp10]

This
is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:



A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and

buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."



A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.



The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"



The husband replied, "They had eggs."

[Bob Denman]

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana farm.

[wyliec]

[tconaagt]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

[Bob Denman]

[exwinger]

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance, "Nuts and Butts" - no way, "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good, "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with........

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it....

[Bob Denman]

...and so do I!

[tconaagt]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."*

[coz]

a priest , a rabbi , a minister and a muslim walk into a bar. the bartender says, ''what is this some kind of joke ?''

[Bob Denman]

[tconaagt]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

[Mexican]

Evary man wants to marry a ninphomaniac, what he dont know ia that in a few years the ninpho leaves but the maniac stays

[Bob Denman]

So THAT's what happened...

[Blue Star]

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

[coz]

that was mighty funnyonly in cali

[tconaagt]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[granpa in Cincy]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days:

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.


If I had asked for Italian sausage , would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or If I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?


Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"




The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[GeoffCee]

"Hoots mon, would you ken it?" exclaims the Irish attendant, cleverly impersonating an astonished Scotsman. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Glad to be of service!

[GeoffCee]

What I’ve learned at the movies…

During all police investigations, detectives will visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America include the digits ‘555’.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town you can usually disappear into a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover-sheets that reach up to the armpits on a woman but only to the waist of the man lying alongside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for any passenger to land a crippled plane, someone in the control tower will talk him down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You'll probably survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak German. A vaguely foreign accent will suffice.

If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will screw his face up in agony when a woman later attends to his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi it is never necessary to look in your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over, it will always be the exact fare. Likewise when leaving a bar or restaurant in a hurry, just throw some bills on the table and go, no member of staff will question your departure.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, open the fridge door and use the light from that instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say, ‘Enter Password’.

No matter how many times Sigourney Weaver dies on screen, she can always be revived for one more Alien film.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though fathers and children never have time to eat.

Cars that crash almost always explode into a fireball.

American police saloon cars are able to match the performance of any foreign sports car they happen to be chasing.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 24 hours to finish the job.

A single match is sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect hair, pure white teeth and flawless skin.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ when beginning or ending a telephone conversation.

Even when driving along a perfectly straight road it is necessary to move the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timers with large red numbers so everybody knows when they're about to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective will always solve a baffling case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them all out one by one.

It is possible to outrun or outdrive the effects of any explosion, avalanche, earthquake or hurricane.

A person rendered unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to ensure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their incompatible opposite.

A chainsaw can always be found when a maniac needs one.

Any lock can be picked using a credit card or paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence powerful enough to repel a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment in time.

In court you should always aim to be represented by an inexperienced female lawyer who has a retired alcoholic father whose once brilliant legal mind is pickled. To help his little girl he’ll come out of retirement, sober himself up and discover startling new evidence that nobody else knows about, thereby winning your case.

The concierge of a fashionable hotel will always overlook you’re a hooker, providing your unmarried billionaire client is renting the penthouse.

You are unlikely to appear in a sequel if you wear the only red coat in a black and white film about the Holocaust.

In the far distant future the only way you’ll be able to distinguish an android from a real human being will be its rancid-looking complexion and functional name, such as ‘Data’.

A holodeck computer will always remember who the real people are.

If a detective asks if you’re feeling lucky he probably isn’t aiming to sell you a raffle ticket.

To most American motorists the command, ‘Put your hands on the roof’, is incomprehensible.

Anyone on foot who is being chased by a car should always stick to the middle of the alley.

‘You are what you eat’ has never entered Clingon culture.

Vultures will always obligingly circle high above a massacre until somebody shows up to bury the bodies.

To experience Borg sex you have to be charged up, plugged in and well connected.

One unsolved mystery aboard Voyager is how Seven of Nine gets dressed.

There is no such person as a Farengi dentist.

The G’ould can master every part of the human nervous system perfectly, except vocal chords.

A holographic doctor can cure anything. Well, virtually anything....

Light sabres of the same colour don’t work.

No matter how badly it’s damaged, a Federation Starship will always carry enough spare parts to complete the current series.

Lavatories and bathrooms are unheard of aboard Deep Space Nine.

SG-1 personnel continue to lug around WWII weaponry out of obstinacy.

A shape shifter can’t do ears.

No matter how far you boldly trek through the Universe visiting strange new worlds, someone will always be there to greet you in English when you arrive.

If any alien spaceship from elsewhere in the Universe hails you, your respective TV pictures will display perfectly on each other’s communication screens – irrespective of whether the TV standard in use is PAL, NTSC, or SECAM.

[GeoffCee]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work

---

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of garbage.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your cigar?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ha-aahhhh. I see the SNAFU fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? A flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door number .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). But must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a cesspit of need?

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy. Can I ignore you some other time?

47. Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out on its own.

48. Have a nice day. Somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture. I'd really like to hang you.

51. Try not to believe everything you think.

52. Hear that? It's the sound of nobody caring.

[granpa in Cincy]

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready