Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mike's wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.
I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...
he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered,
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
today i saw a woman dragging a mattress down a side walk in a not so great neighborhood. so i stopped and asked if she needed help, and she said NOPE. as she turned to walk away i saw a sign on the back of the mattress that said ROAD SERVICE
So this Airmen Is getting close to the end of his deployment, and his letters home to his Wife, are starting to get a bit "racy". She starts replying back in the same manner...
His last letter home to her ends: "
You'd better have a mattress tied to your back, when I get off that Plane!"
Her reply:
'You'd better make sure that you're the first one to exit the aircraft!"
While strolling around the
Harbor this morning about 11 a.m., I noticed this
character shouting "Allah be praised." and "Death to all infidels." and
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities
have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
While strolling around the
Harbor this morning about 11 a.m., I noticed this
character shouting "Allah be praised." and "Death to all infidels." and
suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 4 p.m. The terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities
have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for
common words.
The winners are:-
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n) flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
And the pick of the literature:-
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1... No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten
a better model.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for
common words.
The winners are:-
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n) flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of romance.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
And the pick of the literature:-
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
White 2013 Spyder RT Limited. BajaRon Swaybar, Custom Dynamic Third Brake Light. Ultimate Custom Black and White seat with driver and passenger back rest. Gloryder Led Wheel lights.Custom Dynamics Led Bright sides, Amber and Red Fender lights, and Saddle Bag Bright sides.
2016 F3 Limited Intense Red Pearl. Lidlox, BRP Driver Back Rest, BRP Passenger Back Rest,Fog Lights, GPS, Signature Light! Custom Dynamics LED Bright Sides, Amber and Red Fender lights, and Saddle Bag Bright Sides.
White 2013 Spyder RT Limited. BajaRon Swaybar, Custom Dynamic Third Brake Light. Ultimate Custom Black and White seat with driver and passenger back rest. Gloryder Led Wheel lights.Custom Dynamics Led Bright sides, Amber and Red Fender lights, and Saddle Bag Bright sides.
2016 F3 Limited Intense Red Pearl. Lidlox, BRP Driver Back Rest, BRP Passenger Back Rest,Fog Lights, GPS, Signature Light! Custom Dynamics LED Bright Sides, Amber and Red Fender lights, and Saddle Bag Bright Sides.
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Originally Posted by Bob Denman
English joke.......very wry!!
I get calls from our First Aid Squad all of the time; reminding me of this... 
White 2013 Spyder RT Limited. BajaRon Swaybar, Custom Dynamic Third Brake Light. Ultimate Custom Black and White seat with driver and passenger back rest. Gloryder Led Wheel lights.Custom Dynamics Led Bright sides, Amber and Red Fender lights, and Saddle Bag Bright sides.
