Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Jerry Baumchen
'I'll never forget what's her name.'
'Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.' Dwight Eisenhower
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!" So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!" So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, NO!!!" So I said, "That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!
In a way, this really isn't funny because that is the way diabetes was determined to exist many years ago.
In the 17th century, a London physician named Dr. Thomas Willis determined whether his patients had diabetes by sampling their urine. If it had a sweet taste, he diagnosed them with diabetes mellitus, or “honeyed” diabetes. This method of monitoring blood sugars went largely unchanged until the 20th century.
Last edited by IdahoMtnSpyder; 06-07-2015 at 07:41 PM.
2014 Copper RTS
Tri-Axis bars, CB, BajaRon sway bar & shock adjusters, SpyderPop's Bumpskid, NBV peg brackets, LED headlights and modulator, Wolo trumpet air horns, trailer hitch, custom trailer harness, high mount turn signals, Custom Dynamics brake light, LED turn signal lights on mirrors, LED strip light for a dash light, garage door opener, LED lights in frunk, trunk, and saddlebags, RAM mounts and cradles for tablet (for GPS) and phone (for music), and Smooth Spyder belt tensioner.
Reminds me of a story a pharmacist friend told me....
In a lab class at pharmacy school, the Professor was giving a demonstration; "This will be a test of your acuity of observation", he picked up a bottle of a yellow liquid, stuck a finger in, and then quickly put a finger in his mouth. "This is the way we used to check for sugar" he said, and then directed the class to do as he had.
When the whole class had gone through the process, and the gagging and spitting was finished, he said "everyone in the class failed, no one noticed that my first finger went into the bottle, my middle finger went into my mouth!"
As of April 5th, 2015, I've been a Type 1 diabetic for fifty years...
I had a coworker a number of years ago who was Type 1. He was pretty sure it was the result of exposure to agent orange in Vietnam as there was no genetic reason for it, and its onset was after his stint over there. Adult onset of Type 1 is pretty rare, even still I think. He sure was happy when the good insulin pumps came to be. Previously he had to inject 5 times a day. Sadly, he passed away from complications of the diabetes several years ago.
I was diagnosed as Type 2 over 12 years ago. I have a strong family history of it. Mine is fairly well controlled with diet and med. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't ever have to go to insulin.
2014 Copper RTS
Tri-Axis bars, CB, BajaRon sway bar & shock adjusters, SpyderPop's Bumpskid, NBV peg brackets, LED headlights and modulator, Wolo trumpet air horns, trailer hitch, custom trailer harness, high mount turn signals, Custom Dynamics brake light, LED turn signal lights on mirrors, LED strip light for a dash light, garage door opener, LED lights in frunk, trunk, and saddlebags, RAM mounts and cradles for tablet (for GPS) and phone (for music), and Smooth Spyder belt tensioner.
(Odd to discuss something so potentially serious in this thread... )
I've been using insulin pumps since 2000. Prior to that; I was stabbing myself four times a day.
My current pump also monitors my blood glucose levels as well... I REALLY like that innovation!!
(My Sister is married to a fella; whose family emigrated from Sicily...)
For a few years I worked with a guy whose heritage was Sicilian. He made sure we understood clearly that Sicilians were not "Italian"! I mentioned one time that our management team was more dysfunctional than a family of alcoholic Sicilian brothers. "You got that right!" he said.
2014 Copper RTS
Tri-Axis bars, CB, BajaRon sway bar & shock adjusters, SpyderPop's Bumpskid, NBV peg brackets, LED headlights and modulator, Wolo trumpet air horns, trailer hitch, custom trailer harness, high mount turn signals, Custom Dynamics brake light, LED turn signal lights on mirrors, LED strip light for a dash light, garage door opener, LED lights in frunk, trunk, and saddlebags, RAM mounts and cradles for tablet (for GPS) and phone (for music), and Smooth Spyder belt tensioner.
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bringhim a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him d rink it up. Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
IF YOU SEND THIS ON, YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT, AND MAYBE A FUTURE GRANDPARENT SMILE.
Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired
Past bikes
2010 RS - Sold
2012 RT - Sold
2014 RT - Testing completed
2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learnabout thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decidedthat the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room whenone of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach theurinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he wasunusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,but I appreciate your help."
Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired
Past bikes
2010 RS - Sold
2012 RT - Sold
2014 RT - Testing completed
2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4..
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records
Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired
Past bikes
2010 RS - Sold
2012 RT - Sold
2014 RT - Testing completed
2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold
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Originally Posted by granpa in Cincy
I don't know whether to laugh, or cry... 
Smelling sweet!
