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  1. #76
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    Default The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

    The perfect Man and WomanCLICK HERE
    Love my

    Statistics show that most motorcycle accidents are caused by a defective nut holding the handlbars.

  2. #77
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    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  3. #78
    Very Active Member wyliec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob Denman View Post
    +10

  4. #79
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    Rather long but.....

    I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

    Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

    Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

    Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

    I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

    Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

    I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding.

    Little did I suspect…

    As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.

    I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

    Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming cycle with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

    Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

    I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

    That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

    But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

    This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

    The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

    I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

    The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

    With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

    About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

    The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

    Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

    Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

    Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

    Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

    I heard screams. They weren't mine...

    I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

    I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

    So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger…

    That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…

    I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

    As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

    And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

  5. #80
    Registered Users Tiny1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by exwinger View Post
    Rather long but.....

    I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

    Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

    Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

    Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

    I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

    Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

    I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding.

    Little did I suspect…

    As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.

    I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

    Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming cycle with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

    Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

    I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

    That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

    But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

    This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

    The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

    I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

    The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

    With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

    About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

    The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

    Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

    Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

    Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

    Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

    I heard screams. They weren't mine...

    I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

    I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

    So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger…

    That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…

    I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

    As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

    And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
    I LOVE IT!!! Thanks for the morning laugh
    Aspydering Ryder
    subsisto inrideo amicitia

    I may not be perfect but, I am Canadian, and that's close enough!

  6. #81
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    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  7. #82
    Very Active Member retread's Avatar
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    This one is true, it happened to me one morning after a 16 hour shift at the plant.
    As I was driving the 20 odd miles to my house, about 15 miles onto it, a car pulled in front of me, no sweat, I'm too tired to worry about it. The car was driven slowly, and turned on every road that I took home. Finally, we turned onto the dead end street where my house was, the car pulled into the first driveway, and a very scared paper delivery woman got out and yelled "if you don't stop following me, I'm going to go into my house and call the police!"
    I rolled my window down and told her, "Okay, move your car so I can get into my driveway, and I'll let you use my phone."

  8. #83
    Very Active Member coz's Avatar
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    Default cologne

    i live in the ghetto and sometimes wear a little AXE cologne. around here they call it ASK.
    it was fun while it lasted.

  9. #84
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    Why does it take so long ladies???
    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
    Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
    The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
    You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
    (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
    In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
    You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear
    your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
    that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
    still smaller than your thumbnail.
    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
    The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward
    against the tank of the toilet.
    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
    altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
    You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
    because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if
    she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of
    diseases you could get".
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of
    the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with
    such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too .At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the
    spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
    You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
    You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
    past the line of women still waiting.
    You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
    A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
    your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
    Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ............
    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what
    really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can
    hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!
    Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

  10. #85
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Default A BEAUTIFUL REDNECK LOVE POEM

    A BEAUTIFUL REDNECK LOVE POEM
    Attached Images Attached Images

  11. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by coz View Post
    i live in the ghetto and sometimes wear a little AXE cologne. around here they call it ASK.


  12. #87
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Default Adult Truths:

    I especially love the last one !







    Adult Truths:



    1. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
    you realize you're wrong.


    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
    I was younger.


    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.



    5. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
    clear your computer history if you die


    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?



    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
    pretty sure I know how to get out of my
    neighborhood.



    8. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.



    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.



    10. Bad decisions make good stories.



    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
    work when you know that you just aren't
    going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.



    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I
    don't want to have to restart my
    collection...again.



    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
    me if I want to save any changes to my
    ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.



    14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
    to answer when they call.


    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
    Saturday night more kisses begin with
    Miller Lite than Kay..



    17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
    the person died.


    18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
    hunger..


    19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
    nod and smile because you still didn't hear
    or understand a word they said?



    20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
    up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the
    front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!



    21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
    dirty, and you can wear them forever.


    22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
    still not know what time it is.


    23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
    car keys in a pocket, finding their cell
    phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
    and push the snooze button from 3 feet
    away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.



    24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
    and the first helmet was used in 1974.
    That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is
    also important.

  13. #88
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    Default Speaking of true events

    Quote Originally Posted by retread View Post
    This one is true, it happened to me one morning after a 16 hour shift at the plant.
    Many years ago (I won't say how many) right after I turned 21, a group of friends (17 to 21) and I (the oldest) were at Disneyland. We took the tram ride to the hotel, and was standing in front of the hotel bar. I, trying to be the big shot since I just turned 21, said lets go inside. The girls at first were saying no, but I pushed the point. One of the girls (17) asked "I wonder if they serve virgins?" At this point without giving it a thought said "well if you don't tell them they won't know". Well after I took my foot out of my mouth, we decided to not go inside.
    Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired

    Past bikes
    2010 RS - Sold
    2012 RT - Sold
    2014 RT - Testing completed
    2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold

  14. #89
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    Since a lot of us here are already at this stage of our lives...

    Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
    Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
    Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
    Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!
    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as
    they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.
    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite
    to tell the whole truth.
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  15. #90
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Default Friendship goes just so far!

    Friendship goes just so far!
    Attached Images Attached Images

  16. #91
    Active Member BitSlayer's Avatar
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    Great thread!!!

    Here is my contribution...

    A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she ouches it.

    "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

    The redhead takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches it makes her scream.

    The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

    "No, I'm really a blond."

    "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
    Regards,
    BitSlayer

    2015 Spyder RT Limited - Perl White
    - Having fun with my knees in the breeze

  17. #92
    Active Member BitSlayer's Avatar
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    Default

    OK, gotta post another one...

    Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
    Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

    An attendant greets hem in the typical Irish manner, unaware of who the
    golf pro is... "Top O' the monrin' to ya".

    As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

    "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

    "They're called tees," replied Tiger.

    "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquires he Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.

    "Hoots mon, would you ken it?" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
    fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
    Regards,
    BitSlayer

    2015 Spyder RT Limited - Perl White
    - Having fun with my knees in the breeze

  18. #93
    Active Member BentGamer's Avatar
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    Default Got This in The Email Today

    >This was written by a guy... it's pretty darn good.
    >Girls -- Have a sense of humor!
    >
    >I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
    >
    >FOR EXAMPLE:
    >
    >One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
    >
    >"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
    >
    >
    >
    >The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
    >
    >
    >We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
    >
    >I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
    >
    >
    >Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
    It's better to make your own plans than to be part of someone else's.

  19. #94
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    Default

    What is it that they say about Payback?
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  20. #95
    Very Active Member warp10's Avatar
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    It may be a long time be fore you get any, women have long memories

  21. #96
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    Default

    Good one!

  22. #97
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    Default Computer problems:

    Subject:* Computer Problems

    *As Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our
    computers.*

    *I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
    whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. *

    *Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? *

    *He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, *

    *'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
    Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
    'No,' I replied. *

    *'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
    So I wrote down:*

    *ID10T** **
    I used to like Eric, the little bastard . . .*

  23. #98
    Very Active Member retread's Avatar
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    Default Middle age text abbreviations

    ATD- At the doctor
    BFF-Best friend fell
    BTW-Bring the wheelchair
    BYOT-Bring your own teeth
    FWIW-Forgot where I was
    GHA-Got heartburn again
    IMHAO-Is my hearing aid on?
    LMDO-Laughing my dentures out
    OMMR-On my massage recliner
    ROFLACGU-Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
    TTYL-Talk to you louder

  24. #99
    Very Helpful Member bjt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by retread View Post
    ATD- At the doctor
    BFF-Best friend fell
    BTW-Bring the wheelchair
    BYOT-Bring your own teeth
    FWIW-Forgot where I was
    GHA-Got heartburn again
    IMHAO-Is my hearing aid on?
    LMDO-Laughing my dentures out
    OMMR-On my massage recliner
    ROFLACGU-Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
    TTYL-Talk to you louder

    Former Happy Spyder Owner
    Just decided it was time to move onto other things.

  25. #100
    Very Helpful Member bjt's Avatar
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    Default

    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
    decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
    decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
    anchors, and reads her book.

    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
    and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

    'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking , 'Isn't that obvious?')

    'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

    'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.

    'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
    start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

    'For reading a book,' she replies.

    'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

    'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

    'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
    start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

    'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

    'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

    'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
    could start at any moment.'

    'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
    Former Happy Spyder Owner
    Just decided it was time to move onto other things.

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