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Very Active Member
Husband Wanted
A woman places an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
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Very Active Member
Blond Joke
Blonde joke of the week.
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
~
Win a Bagel
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Very Active Member
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Three
women die together in an
accident And go to
heaven.
When
they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only
have one rule here
in heaven: Don't step
on the
ducks!'
So they enter heaven,
and sure enough, There are
ducks all over the
place. It is
almost impossible not
to step on a
duck,
And
although they try their
best to avoid
them,
The first
woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw.
St. Peter
chains them
together and
says, 'Your
punishment for stepping
on a duck is
to Spend
eternity chained to
this ugly
man!'
The second
woman steps
accidentally on a
duck
And along
comes St. Peter, Who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is
another extremely
ugly man. With the
same admonishment as
for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and,
Not wanting
to be chained
For all
eternity to an ugly
man, is
very, VERY
careful where she
steps.
She manages
to go months
Without
stepping on any
ducks,
One day
St.Peter comes up to
her
With the
most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes
on ..... Very
tall, long
eyelashes,
muscular.
St.
Peter chains them together without saying a
word.
The happy woman
says,
'I wonder
what I did to
deserve being Chained to
you for all of
eternity?'
The guy
says,
Last edited by AnthonyG; 11-23-2018 at 08:54 AM.
Love my
Statistics show that most motorcycle accidents are caused by a defective nut holding the handlbars.
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Originally Posted by granpa in Cincy
A woman places an ad in the paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘ Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
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Very Active Member
A pastor looked out his window Sunday morning; the sun was up, no clouds, not too warm.....Hmmmm.
He called his assistant and told him to take care of the services, then went to a golf course many miles away.
He teed off and got a hole in one, aced the second hole, and kept going through all the rest.
St. Peter was watching all this, and asked God, "why are you doing this? This guy walked out on his responsibilites today, and doesn't deserve it."
God asked him "who is he going to tell?"
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Originally Posted by ThreeWheels
Speaking of Threads.................... This is old, yet still relevant. And yes, you can find many of MY posts that fit right in.
HOW MANY GROUP POSTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
THAT WAS FUNNY HA HA HA sorry had to post the entire thing !
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. S
uddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, s
eemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the
man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
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I found another...
A couple of firemen from New York City went into the Gander Mtn. store in Middletown to get outfitted for ice fishing. They found themselves
out on Swinging bridge reservoir freezing to death in a 25mph crosswind while the holes that they cut in the ice froze as fast as they
re-opened them.
Soon a young lad; no more than twelve came out on the ice towing a sled with his ice-fishing gear. He chopped a hole, dropped in a line,
and pulled out a pickerel almost immediately.
The men were stunned! What were they doing wrong? The one fellow decided to walk over and ask the boy what his secret was. As his buddy
sat their freezing, all he saw was a lot of gesturing and pointing. His pal started back across the ice shaking his head.
"I couldn't understand a single thing that kid said", the first firemen noted.
"Well I'm about froze solid; let me walk over and take a crack at him.", the second firemen offered.
Off he went into the wind; trying not to look like he was dying out in the middle of the lake.
"Excuse me son, but my buddy and I have been here since sunrise and haven't caught anything. I see now that you've caught several nice f
ish. What is your secret?"
"Yall mmmph er up ter rpattst!", the boy mumbled; or at least it sounded like that.
"Excuse me; I cannot understand what it is that you're trying to say to me."
A sudden look of recognition came over the boy's face. He cupped his hand in front of his mouth and spit into it. "You've got to keep your
bait warm, Mister."
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It's not my fault that hius thread started; but I'm finding more and more stuff to put in here...
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you
were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the State Trooper on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a State
Trooper came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Trooper came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
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Registered Users
The Brave Ship's Captain
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
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Registered Users
How to identify where a driver is from!
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
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A question for the Wives...
On the uselessness scale...
How far from "Good for Nothing"
Does
"Better than Nothing" fall???
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My doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
a bear in the heavy brush, marched up and down hills and valleys, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of mud, sand, and creeks, and
jumped away from an aggressive crocodile.
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoors-man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
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Very Active Member
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
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Very Active Member
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Once more into the breach!
And before I get myself in any trouble with this one; I'd like to offer an explanation...
I decided to post it only because I think that it's more about mis-application of language than it is about cultures...
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!
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Registered Users
Do you know how much Cocaine Charlie Sheen was doing?
Enough to kill two and a half men
Absorb what is useful, use no limitation as limitation
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Active Member
Last night was a very hot August night. And wouldn't you know it the air conditioner was on the fritz. So I decided to go to sleep in my birthday suit. Just as I was walking towards the light switch on the bedroom wall, my wife of 31 years screamed:
"OH MY GOD!!!"
I was startled, as I turned towards her to see what she was so upset about. She was pointing at my
"manhood". I asked her: " What's wrong?!"
She replied in a very concerned voice: " Is THAT ALL WE HAVE LEFT?!"
It's better to make your own plans than to be part of someone else's.
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This one is more about surprises than religion...
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Active Member
My wife asked me to buy her something that went from 0 to 190 in 3 seconds... so I bought her a bathroom scale....
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