Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Can you pick out the Blonde?


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Give up?






It's the one with the wrong leg in the air...

[Bob Denman]

The New Password.jpg

[Zip]

Can you pick out the Blonde?


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Third from left

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

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[Bob Denman]

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[SpyderConvert]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked
"No she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN ( a man's perspective )

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto the upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused. "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..........so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!!!)

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had let to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men....."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, " I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it did indeed say, "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left the note where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

And this final one is just for all the fine ladies reading this

God may have created man before
woman, but just remember, there is always a
ROUGH DRAFT BEFORE THE MASTERPIECE.

[Iamjoey]

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Bob Denman]

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[SpyderConvert]

[SpyderConvert]

[SpyderConvert]

[SpyderConvert]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including:
Mrs, Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site
was piled high with many flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He
was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man
and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus, they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and
pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

[Bob Denman]

I knew him well...

[Bob Denman]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student:

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Bob Denman]

About as self-explanatory; as is necessary.

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[SpyderConvert]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be

"The Man Of Your House."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You wil wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess."

[Zip]

🦇A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!" 🦇

[Zip]

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[Bob Denman]

An elderly woman's husband had just died, and his services were being held in a local funeral home.

A gentleman walked over to the Lady to express his condolences, and ask her about her husband...
"He was my fourth husband, and he was coincidently: a funeral director also.", she told the man.
"Your FOURTH husband? Tell me a little bit about the other three.", he asked.
"When I was in my twenties: I married a banker. He was a wonderful man, but he died in a boating accident. In my forties: I married a circus RingMaster. It was a marvelous time! We toured the Country right up until the Lion ate him..."
In my sixties: I married a Preacher. That marriage didn't last, but we are still friends, and he's going to be performing the graveside service for my current Husband..."

"What an amazing array of occupations! You've let a very interesting life. How did you choose such a variety of men?", he asked.
She smiled, and said that it was easy:
"One for the money"
Two for the Show
Three to get ready
And four; to go!"

[SpyderConvert]

[Zip]

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Bob Denman]

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