Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog
chow at Target, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about
to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she
think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the
hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my
body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story
by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no;
I had stopped in
the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Target won't let me shop there
anymore.
The Lawn Mower Experience We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing
dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the
back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence
wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow, on fire, on
the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and
I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who
would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big Block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International orwhoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. '****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think "Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So
here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day......he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That
day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked:
Kid why are you crying?
Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.
Passer By: Who is your dad?
Kid: That's what the fight is about...
2014 RT Limited SE-6 in Black Currant. Mods so far: Rivco Trunk Mounted Double Flag Holder Kit, Diamond R Drivers Tour Mug, Tric Led Drink Holder, BRP Hitch, Mini Trailer USA Nomad Trailer. RonBar and links, Spyclops I & II, Lighted Bump Skid, LED head and fog lights. Foam hand grips. A arm lights, both upper and lower
Drafting Guys Over 60...This is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a**-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the h**l. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*itch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Happy Spyder Owner
2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
There's probably womething in the Geneva convention about using "weapons of mass destruction" that wouldn't allow it.
Besides; would you want them to have any access to the arming codes for ICBMs??
I'm getting too old to shop, I'm sending this from the police station.
I had a little problem at the market today, I was at the checkout, and the cashier said "strip down, facing me".
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
I volunteer my wife, please
Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired
Past bikes
2010 RS - Sold
2012 RT - Sold
2014 RT - Testing completed
2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came
back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Happy Spyder Owner
2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.
Okay; Docdoru, Scotty and Lamont are sitting around a campfire after a good day's progress on a cross-country ride.
As the Barley pops are going down, talk settles in to which of them might be the roughest biker...
Doc points out all of the miles that he's accumulated, the hgh speed runs, the melted engine blocks... His list of noted accomplishments is growing with each breath...
Scotty admits that Doc is a real burner out on the highway; but that he too has logged more than enough miles to scare most riders silly,AND he also points out his vast knowledge of everything in the motorcycling world. He has literally helped THOUSANDS just at Spyderlovers alone!
Tough??
Lamont smiles and says nothing...
He finishes his last beer of the evening and continues stirring the coals in the firepit with his pecker...
Okay; Docdoru, Scotty and Lamont are sitting around a campfire after a good day's progress on a cross-country ride.
As the Barley pops are going down, talk settles in to which of them might be the roughest biker...
Doc points out all of the miles that he's accumulated, the hgh speed runs, the melted engine blocks... His list of noted accomplishments is growing with each breath...
Scotty admits that Doc is a real burner out on the highway; but that he too has logged more than enough miles to scare most riders silly,AND he also points out his vast knowledge of everything in the motorcycling world. He has literally helped THOUSANDS just at Spyderlovers alone!
Tough??
Lamont smiles and says nothing...
He finishes his last beer of the evening and continues stirring the coals in the firepit with his pecker...
I just hope that they can appreciate my sense of humor a bit...
That joke can be twisted to be about Cowboys, Green Berets (altough they can ALL pretty much do that!), NFL players... you name it!
freebob response!
Originally Posted by freebob
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