Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life.?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book.! !”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor.!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret.?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough.!

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humor.? ?
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened.!

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it.?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake.! "

[Bob Denman]

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a
beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply:
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised
the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for
$45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you
had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied
the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car
keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the
price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

[vided]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ image001.jpg

[Bob Denman]

That poor woman!

[SpyderConvert]

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

But I bet that he made out like a bandit on Mother's Day!

[vided]

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"!

One of my doctors told me years ago that back in the early days of medicine that is in fact the way diabetes was diagnosed.

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedre, Florida, exactly the way
the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried
hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other
"average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying,

"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one, a Titleist ProV1 if you have it."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, "Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited; a long silence followed.

Then, the voice again, "Use the old ball."

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

Finally: A bike intercom system that doesn't need re-charging!

Intercom.jpg

[vided]

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[Black Pig]

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So true, over here in rural(ish) Scotland, we get the Sunday Jams, with the caravans holding up the cars, the farm traffic holding up the caravans and the Harleys holding up the farm traffic.

[Bob Denman]

So true, over here in rural(ish) Scotland, we get the Sunday Jams, with the caravans holding up the cars, the farm traffic holding up the caravans and the Harleys holding up the farm traffic.

And what holds up the farm traffic?


The weather!

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

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[UtahPete]

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But, no cigar ...

[UtahPete]

Finally: A bike intercom system that doesn't need re-charging!

Intercom.jpg

What's wrong with a string and two tin cans anymore?

[vided]

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[vided]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go
golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.


So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend the night.


‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'
she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if
I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to
the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected
letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from
the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the
golf weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the
farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about
9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about
being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of
telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look,
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'


‘She just died and left me everything.'




(And you thought the ending would be different,
didn't you?...
You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the
rest of the day.

[Bob Denman]

I love happy endings!!

[Bob Denman]

This one is probably wayyyy over the edge...

What the Hell!

There are two 35 year old bachelors at opposite ends of the Country:

One of them is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, and the other one is receiving "oral favors" from a ninety year old prostitute..

But they're both thinking the EXACT same thing!!

What is it???



























...Don't look down!