Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[SpyderConvert]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord..'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
A last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[vided]

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[vided]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[Bob Denman]

You've been in touch with Cuzn…

And you beat to the thread!

[vided]

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[vided]

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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize
I was talking to the sheep."

[Bob Denman]

Knowing how to say things is an art! I gave a friend a phone call, and I asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was working on: "The aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel in a controlled environment". I was very impressed .... !!! And, to understand better, I asked him for clarification and he told me that in fact "He washed the dishes in hot water ... under the supervision of his wife." What a beautiful language!

[Bob Denman]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50. She didn't say a thing... just paid the bill !!!!!!

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.
********************************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
**************************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed"
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg..
We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't,
you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"

[Bob Denman]

Another one on the side of a septic tank ruck:
"Your crap is our Bread & Butter!"

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Slogan for a party equipment rental company in Rock Island, IL.
"Madam, are you having an affair?"

[Bob Denman]

First 5 days.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Bacon seeds.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Scared half to death.jpg

[Bob Denman]

it was tense.jpg

[Bob Denman]

juggler.jpg

[Bob Denman]

They still get in.jpg

[Bob Denman]

turned myself around.jpg

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really horrible golfer".

[SpyderConvert]

[Bob Denman]

Houston-Best-Demotivational-Posters.jpg

[Arion]

An elderly Pennsylvania Amish gentlemandecided to take his wife and children to the big city as a once in a lifetimetreat. Arriving in Philadelphia and were astounded because they had never beento a large city before. They checked into their downtown hotel and were standingby the elevator, which they also had never seen before, waiting for the mother whowas visiting a gift shop in the lobby.

The elevator door opened, an elderlywoman entered, and the door closed. In a few moments the door openedagain and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Another older woman thenstepped in. Again the door opened a few minutes later and another youngattractive woman stepped out. The old Amish gentleman turned to his sonand said, “Go get your mother.”