Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[vided]

Hilarious but exactly what would happen!!!
LUNCH WITH THE POPE
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.
The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."
Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"

[Bob Denman]

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, " Professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention too:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"


"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God,
"Hold on."

God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in some key words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said to Arthur, " But according to these statistics, more men are
riding my invention than yours."

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

Amazon FaceBook and PayPal.jpg

[BigGuy66]

... "We are No. 1 in the No. 2 business"

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[Peter Aawen]

^^ That's gotta make ya wonder, doesn't it!?!

Was it just a pretty good idea to add some humour into their labelling..... or has someone really tried & then complained &/or sued when it didn't work the way those brooms do in the movies & on those 'Bewitched' TV shows & similar??!

I can just image the phone-call complaint.... "I just bought one of your brooms as a present and it's faulty, my old Aunt Esmerelda just broke both her legs when she tried to take off & fly outta the upstairs window!!".......long silent but incredulous pause before company rep replies........ "She WHAT?!"

[JerryB]

Hi Peter,

Re: That's gotta make ya wonder

Not really. As Alexis de Tocqueville wrote ( 1835 & 1840 ) in his book Democracy in America, ultimately everything in America will be decided in court.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexis_de_Tocqueville



Jerry Baumchen

[Saluda]

Maybe because H.C. tried to use one once and it didn't work and she got mad.

[Cavman]

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[ameobe]

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!"
Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"
young man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!"

Of course we did" says the general "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[Bob Denman]

Solving the "Mother In Law problem":


Mother In Law.jpg

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[SpyderConvert]

One day, at the lunch bunch meeting, Nate says to AL, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Al replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Nate deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Nate began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Nate hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

[Bob Denman]

That's why Costco is my favorite Store!

[Bob Denman]

[Black Pig]

That was bloody hilarious!

[Bob Denman]

The really SCARY part : I can see myself needing one of those!

[vided]

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[MR. H1956]

(I'm not sure how well this will come across as it is a rather aural joke. One that doctors and nurses love.)

A young lady is at a doctor's office, her first visit to a new OB-GYN (women's doctor for those who don't know.)

The nurse has gotten her in her gown and seated her on The Table, her feet in the stirrups in that most lady-like pose that women hate and Hustler loves.

In walks the doctor, mature, handsome and wise-looking. He perfunctorily greets her after glancing at her chart, seats himself on the low stool at the end of the table and raises her gown to begin his examination.

As the nurse hands him the speculum (think of stainless steel scissor-type salad tongs), he says to the young lady, "Before we proceed, I need to numb you."

"Okay", she says.

"nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom ", hé slurps.

That's just bad. Funny but bad.

[MR. H1956]

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Now that was funny

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[Saluda]

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Handle was colored just like an assault weapon ! No wonder it's so dangerous.