Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

[BigGuy66]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault!”

[Peter Aawen]

Yup, BigGuy, that just about covers it!!

[Bob Denman]

When his son refused to get a job, the father insisted he join the Marine Corps.
At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room."What chart doc?" the young man asked.
"The one on the wall!" the doctor said.
"What wall?" said the young man.
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.
"Now what do you see son?"
"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat."
"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your pecker is pointing straight towards Parris Island, South Carolina."
"Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps."

[SpyderConvert]

[Bob Denman]

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.


As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.



The trucker lowers the window. Again, she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, ..............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK.........."

[vided]

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[vided]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”


Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”


And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[Bob Denman]

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That's what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

That beats the Hell out of ADT: doesn't it?

[Bob Denman]

Fireworks.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Spanish Vacation.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Utensils.jpg

[SpyderConvert]

There was a bus crash carrying nuns to a convention & all were killed.
Fronting up to the pearly gates, St Peter informed them they have to answer a question before admission.
The first one, Sister Sarah fronts St Pete. He asks: Have you ever had anything to do with a Penis???
To which she answers: Oh dear, When i worked as a nursing aid in St Johns Hospital, i accidentally saw a man patient's Penis.
St Pete said: That’s ok child, Bathe your eyes in this Holy Water & you can enter Heaven.
Next up Sister Veronica is asked the same question. Have you had anything to do with a Penis?
My goodness yes. I too worked at St Johns Hospital & had to wash an old man Patient & i had to wash his nether regions, thus touching his Penis. But only very briefly!
Well, That’s not too bad, child, Wash your hands in this holy Water & you can enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Suddenly from the back of the line up, came a bustling sister Francesca, panting & puffing, to the front.
St Peter was surprised & asked her what was her rush to enter heaven???
With quite a red face, she said: If i have to Gargle in that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mother Mary has to
wash her arse in it!!!

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

Yes... Just a joke!

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I've got to give credit to Barry for this one.

[Bob Denman]

Women...


Women Single.jpg
Women Married.jpg
Women Divorced.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Men...
Men Single.jpg
Men Married.jpg
Men Divorced.jpg

[vided]

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[Zip]

City girl Shauna was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gasoline. It was getting late so she asked two good boys sitting on the stoop of a caravan, where she could get some gasoline.
“Well,” said one, “The filling station ain’t open untill tomorrow, but I reckon you can stay the night with me and Billy-Junior here.”
Shauna accepted the offer, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy and Billy-Junior slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.
Pulling out two preservatives, Shauna said, “You nice boys wouldn’t want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”
They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and Shaunal went back to the town.
Three months later, Billy and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewing on some gum.
“Do you remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Junior.
“Ah sure do,” said Billy, with a smirk.
“Do you really care if she gets pregnant?” B.-Junior asked.
“Not really,” said Billy.
“Well, lets get these strange things off of our di**s!”

[SpyderConvert]

On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said,
"That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them
laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said,
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back
ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said
"You must go into the field with the farmer all
day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give
back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten
the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back; that makes eighty, okay?

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we
eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
next forty years, we slave in the sun to support
our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey
tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for
the last ten years, we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information. I'm doing it as a public service.