Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Black Pig]

You've got both of those Bucks hanging on your wall: don't you?

Pfft, no way sailor! I ain't getting tangled with with them two horny beasts...

[SpyderConvert]

Canada, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[SpyderConvert]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, “I want to open a damn checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”

“I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem.” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank.”

“I see,” says the manager, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

[SpyderConvert]

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
........................

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."
..................

Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
..............

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
.................

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
.................

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."
..............................

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
......................

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
...............

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
...................

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
....................

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
.............

Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."
....................

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
..................

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."
.........

A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."
..............

Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.
....................

Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
...........

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."
.............

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
................

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
......................

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot. The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
...........

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
............

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
......................

A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"
.................

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds.
.....................

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
............

A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's." The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell? The fridge is working fine!"
......................

I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me
....................

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
...................

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
........................

I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead

[Bob Denman]

No Matter Where....jpg

[Lew L]

+1 As much fun as a nitrous oxide injection system on a Spyder.

[Bob Denman]

But I still thought that this was pretty funny!



I'm gonna order one for NEXT Christmas!

[Bob Denman]

One reality about Europe’s current political leadership is
summarized here:

Macron, the newly elected French President, has no children.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has no children.
Austria's Chancellor “ Sebastian Kern” has no children
British Prime Minister Theresa May has no children.
Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni has no children.

Holland’s Mark Rutte,
Sweden’s Stefan Löfven,
Luxembourg's XavierBettel,
Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon — all have no children.

Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission, has no children.

Ironically it would seem that a grossly disproportionate number of the
people who make the major decisions about Europe’s future have no direct personal
stake in the future.

Should we be worried about this; or should they?

[Black Pig]

One reality about Europe’s current political leadership is
summarized here:

Macron, the newly elected French President, has no children.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel has no children.
Austria's Chancellor “ Sebastian Kern” has no children
British Prime Minister Theresa May has no children.
Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni has no children.

Holland’s Mark Rutte,
Sweden’s Stefan Löfven,
Luxembourg's XavierBettel,
Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon — all have no children.

Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission, has no children.

Ironically it would seem that a grossly disproportionate number of the
people who make the major decisions about Europe’s future have no direct personal
stake in the future.

Should we be worried about this; or should they?

Never thought of that!!

[Bob Denman]

But they all have GREAT personalities, and are wonderful dancers!

[Black Pig]

But they all have GREAT personalities, and are wonderful dancers!

Yes they probably dance around the political expenses pile with great gusto!

[Bob Denman]

[SpyderConvert]

Lena and Ole had reached "a certain age", and Lena visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her Ole's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not likely" she said. "Ole von't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

Not even a week later, she called up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

Lena exclaimed, "Uff da! Yust awful, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Ya, vell, last Sunday after church, I did vat you said and I slipped it in his coffee. Yumpin' yiminee, it was sumting. He yumped hisself
straight up, and his pants vas lookin' like our bull in da spring! Vit one svoop of his arm, he sent da cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my Sunday dress
and best apron to tatters and took me den and dere, making mad, passionate love to me. Right dere on da tabletop! It vas a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. Dat part vas fine. In fact, it vas da best relations I've had in 30 years. Yust like our honeymoon, ven Ole and me vere yust kids.

"So", asked the doctor, "What exactly is the problem then?"

"Vell", said Lena, "Fur certain sure, I'll never be able to show my face in Olsen's cafe after Sunday church again!"

[Bob Denman]

Don't ever let them seat you at THAT table!

[Bob Denman]

Chuck Who.jpg

[Bob Denman]

No More of Them Left.jpg

He got there First!!!

[Bob Denman]

Always remember what your Mom told you...


Protection.jpg

[Bob Denman]

The Longest Wheelie.jpg

[Bob Denman]

What Is It Worth.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Two Genders.jpg

[Bob Denman]

And since we're on this topic...

Changing.jpg

[Black Pig]

Two Genders.jpg

[kep-up]

I.want.to.post., but.I.think.it.would.be.better.left.unsaid........ .....................

[Bob Denman]

Snow Day in California


What a morning…

8:00 AMI made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at#12 complained about the nose. Carrotsareforfood,notfor decoratingsnow figures.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim guyacross the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops. Theyshow up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I’m told that the snowman’s broomstickhas to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

8:47Things get worse after I mutter,"Yeah, if it's up your ass."

8:52 My phone and broomstick are then seized and I'm taken away in a police car

8:53 My neighbors are cheering.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moralof the story: When it's this cold, stay insideand remember when America was great.

[Bob Denman]

Here's another funny one... Who is the lovely Lady??


https://youtu.be/0iRgBhfBFUM