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  1. #276
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    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    That's how the fight started.

    HA HAHAHAH I was at work and no one was making a sound .. Until this

    Custom stock height carbon fiber wind screen
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    PHANTOM * many other mods done *
    *Member of the Woodstock spyder ryders *

  2. #277
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    Default

    If you mate a Bulldog with a ****zu would it be called a Bull****?

  3. #278
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    Default Wifes in the Hospital

    So I found the wife on the floor when I got home, called 911 and they took to the hospital. The Doctor comes out and tells me, "Your wife doesn't look good at all". I told him I already knew that but she is a great cook and good with the kids.

  4. #279
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    You DO know that we're really gonna miss you if she sees this one!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  5. #280
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    Default The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.



    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?
    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
    Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


    Don't you just love lawyers ...
    Is it Friday yet? ... Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm retired

    Past bikes
    2010 RS - Sold
    2012 RT - Sold
    2014 RT - Testing completed
    2016 F3-T Audio package - Sold

  6. #281
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default No one tells jokes like the Irish

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
    been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
    and he's walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    " That little sheet, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
    to you, he must have had something in his hand."
    " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
    a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
    yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
    " That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
    it was, but useless in a fight."
    ************************************************** ************************************************** ******
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
    home from the city one night and,
    of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.
    " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
    " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
    a few to drink this evening."
    " I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    folding his arms across his chest,
    that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    ************************************************** ************************************************** *******

    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
    somethin' to tell ya".
    " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
    Tim. But where's my husband?"
    " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
    and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
    " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
    Guinness Stout and drowned."
    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
    Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ********

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
    morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
    husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
    did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


    ************************************************** ************************************************** *****


    AND THE BEST FOR LAST

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
    a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
    but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
    no paper on this side either!"
    Last edited by PCBeachBum; 03-05-2012 at 06:33 AM.
    Happy Spyder Owner


    2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.

  7. #282
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default Mechanic vs. Doctor

    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
    motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
    surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a
    look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc,
    can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to
    the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up,
    wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I
    open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I
    finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
    and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically
    the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
    whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
    Happy Spyder Owner


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  8. #283
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    How true!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  9. #284
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    Default May sound familiar

    I came home from a good long day of riding with my friends, went straight to my favorite chair, turned on the TV and asked the wife to bring me a cold one before it starts, chugged it and said I need another cold one and quickly before it starts, finished that one and asked for another cold one and this time quickly it gonna start any second. She screams, " You've been gone all day riding with your friends, come home, go right by me and turn on the TV and demand a cold one. No kiss or hello, didn't notice the house was clean and diiner is ready. And all I could think was, "Crap it's started."

  10. #285
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    Your Wife and my Missus must be soul-mates...
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  11. #286
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    Default Not married

    Don't know why.

  12. #287
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 8 Legged Freak View Post
    NOT Married; Don't know why.
    Because you obviously don't want to prevent all of the eligible women of the World from having a chance to sample all of your innate greatness...
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  13. #288
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    Default T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T.

    A business man got on an elevator.

    When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F"

    He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"

    She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

    He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

    The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

    The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

    The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

    The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

  14. #289
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    Don't you just love blonde jokes??
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  15. #290
    Active Member SpyderDon's Avatar
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    Default

    That's right up there as one of my favorite blond jokes...

  16. #291
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    Default Italian drivers, it's in their blood.

    Fabrizio
    Fab.jpg

    Rossi
    Rossi.jpg

    Biaggi
    Biaggi.jpg

    Schettino
    Schettino.jpg

  17. #292
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    Default

    LOL!! THAT brought out a good belly laugh!!
    '09 SM5, Hindle pipe, K&N, sport rack, backrest, Givi shield EVO swaybar, Symtec grip heaters, Spyderpops belt guard....some other stuff.

    Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it,
    Be afraid of the one saying 'To Whom it May Concern'!

  18. #293
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default Kayaking Accident

    The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
    Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State
    Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
    wife", said one of the troopers.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said,
    "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
    Which would you like to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
    first."

    The trooper said,
    "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's
    body in Kachemak Bay ."

    "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

    Swallowing hard, he asked,
    "What's the good news?"

    The trooper continued,
    "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five-pound king crabs and 6
    good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are
    entitled to a share in the catch."

    Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
    "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

    The trooper replied,
    "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
    Happy Spyder Owner


    2008 SM5, Trunk Liner, 2" Block Riser, ESI 3" Risers, Evoluzione Cycle o2 Sensor Mod, Corbin Seat and Large Oval Backrest, Madstad RoboBrackets and 24" Clear Windshield, Chrome Clear Catseye LED Tail/Brake/License Plate Light, Brake Strobe, Kuryakyn Grips, Kewlmetals Performance Air kit, Custom Dynamic Orange LED's, Spyder 1 Attitude Performance Exhaust RSS-18-B, Day Runners, Day Pucks, Rivco Highway Pegs, ESI Mirror Extensions, Rivco Floorboards.

  19. #294
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    And she didn't want to work while they were married!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  20. #295
    Registered Users dannymax's Avatar
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    Default

    Hmmmm....brings new meaning to 'Crabby Woman!'
    '09 SM5, Hindle pipe, K&N, sport rack, backrest, Givi shield EVO swaybar, Symtec grip heaters, Spyderpops belt guard....some other stuff.

    Don't worry about the bullet with your name on it,
    Be afraid of the one saying 'To Whom it May Concern'!

  21. #296
    Very Active Member NautiBrit's Avatar
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    Default



    DIVORCE VS. MURDER

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."






















    George

    2017 BMW R1200R

  22. #297
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    Default Educational TV

    The wife came home one day to find her husband watching TV. She noticed he was switching back and forth between a Fishing channel and a Porn channel. Leaving the room, she returned a short while later to find him still doing the same thing. Finally, she said. "why don't you leave it on the Porn channel, you already know how to fish.
    Love my

    Statistics show that most motorcycle accidents are caused by a defective nut holding the handlbars.

  23. #298
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default I LIKE THESE.......

    Old but good........

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
    forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do...
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
    a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
    to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law
    Happy Spyder Owner


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  24. #299
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    Boy, the courtroom exchanges are so much fun!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  25. #300
    Very Active Member warp10's Avatar
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    Default married life and faries

    A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


    The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

    The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

    The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.




    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 92 years old..

    The moral of this story:

    Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

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