Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[LateLifeCrisis]

Thinking back a few years when we were living in Florida, I remembered Hurricane Doris. I was ready for it, but my wife was not. When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and thrashing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying pieces of roof, destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound level, my wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever. Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in....

[LateLifeCrisis]

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels on the church grounds. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

I once knew this guy who was addicted to brake fluid....said he could stop anytime.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

[cuznjohn]

[SpyderConvert]

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.


"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Bob Denman]

Redneck Engagement Ring.jpg

[cuznjohn]

[vided]

i'm so old, i remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were dangerous

[Bob Denman]

Send in Chuck....jpg

[Bob Denman]

getting syrias.jpg

[Bob Denman]

flying united.jpg

[cuznjohn]

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall outside their community.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rotund old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”

[vided]

And we all know what happened next

[JerryB]

Hi cuznjohn,

Re: A 15-year-old Amish . . .

A couple of lifetimes ago, I was in the Air Force and stationed in northeastern France. One guy, who roomed next door, said that he grew up with his divorced dad. Seems as though the dad was quite the ladies man & often brought them home. One evening his dad was sitting on the couch with a rather homely woman. He said that the next day he asked his dad what he was doing with that woman. His dad told him that he took her to a wife-swapping function.



Jerry Baumchen

[vided]

REALLY.jpg

[PrairieSpyder]

The media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in "The Flintstones." But I know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do!

[Bob Denman]

[Bfromla]

What starts with an F?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give
the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y'know I reckon Harry
can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the
principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.'

The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.' to the Principal's great relief.
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the
last question.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates
a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

"Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself."

[Bob Denman]

Women riders....jpg

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

Cuzn,
That picture reminds me of my first couple of trips to Lake George, for what was the "Aspencade" convention...

Drag Specialities always had a tractor trailer there, and you could walk through the trailer: filling your arms as you went!
My Missus spent MANY hours sitting just outside the exit door... waiting for me to come up for air!

[Black Pig]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,

why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

...............

A cash machine just charged me £2 for a transaction but still told me to cover my PIN to prevent me from being robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me.

................

A woman hurriedly went into the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional.”

..............

How do you milk sheep?
Release another iPhone

..............

I was watching porn last night when my gran walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

..............

Monopoly 2012 UK edition:-
the jail has no spaces left - there's no free parking - no-one can buy any houses because they can't get a mortgage - win or lose, you still have to bail out the banker

..............

A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier...
Shocked, the cashier asks..'What's this for?'
The Rastafarian replies..'Me here to open a joint account'

..............

Ian Brady and Myra Hindley are reincarnated as brother and sister,
"This isn't so bad after the sh1t we got up to last time, " said Brady. "Do you think so?" replied Hindley, "Jimmy Savile's our dad. "

..............

I took my misses out yesterday
Ferking brilliant shot

[PrairieSpyder]

Those are some good ones, especially the one about the iPhone.

But the first one needs some explaining for me. Maybe because I'm a Yank and not Irish.

Also, the second to the last, please.

[Black Pig]

Those are some good ones, especially the one about the iPhone.

But the first one needs some explaining for me. Maybe because I'm a Yank and not Irish.

Also, the second to the last, please.

Ah sorry, Halfords is a motorparts superstore.

Myra Hindley and Ian Brady are notorious child murderers from the 1960's both of whom died in prison, Brady just a couple of days ago. Jimmy Saville was a TV celebrity who turned out to be a horrific paedophile, also fortunately dead.

Very British jokes I'm afraid.