Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[ingramsail]

Right on, once I finally got it all read. Kept falling a slept, just one step away from 70.

[Bob Denman]

Right on, once I finally got it all read. Kept falling a slept, just one step away from 70.

Congratulations on keeping your enemies in suspense for so long!!

(Just got both feet dug into the Sixties; but I'm definitely working ahead... FAR ahead! )

[Blue Star]

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence,
painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door
lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and
paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit --
shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to
Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the
following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow
dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check
yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while
standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the
pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and
shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for
much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the
mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover
the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of
someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is
long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on
different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is
almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check
yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot
young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel
weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want
to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror
and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look
fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming
and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you
have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until
you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too
and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save
trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing
at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging
out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Walmart
instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander
around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out
loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my
garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?

This reminds me. I have to go to Home Depot

[Bob Denman]

This reminds me. I have to go to Home Depot

Don't forget to tuck your Balls in first...

[Blue Star]

Don't forget to tuck your Balls in first...

I will

[Bob Denman]

By rhe way: how are you liking that F3?

[cuznjohn]

[Blue Star]

By rhe way: how are you liking that F3?

Enjoying it, and hoping to finish my wife's honey-do list so I can take a ryde today.

I already ordered my bike cover from Lamonster (necessary), my dual backrest from smoothspyder (wife requirement), and my hitch. Now I just have to find the time to install them when they come in.

[Bob Denman]

I'm glad to hear that you're diggin' it!

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.


JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive & your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for awhile. He then says, "Okay Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Thanks for the chuckles!

[Bob Denman]

Picard uses Android.jpg

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

Picard and Riker WTF.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to
land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued
and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives".
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we
pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No,
sweetheart.” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing,
then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?”
"Oy, no I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last
thing, Esther, did you remember to send a
check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks. "Oy,
forgive me, Abie," begged Esther.
"I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us."

[cuznjohn]

husband and wife on a plane taking a trip to Hawaii, the husband says i can't wait to get to Hawaii, the wife tells him, you saying it wrong sweetie, it is pronounced HAVAII. he laughs and says, it is Hawaii, but she insists it is HAVAII. so the husband taps the man on the shoulder in front of them and asks him. can you pleas tell my wife what is the proper way to say Hawaii. the man says IT IS HAVAII, the wife smiles and says THANK YOU, and the man says, YOUR VELCOME

[Bob Denman]

Oye...

[cuznjohn]

a blonde buys a ticket to Florida in coach on united. as she is sitting on the plane waiting for it to taxi out of the airport, she notices that there are a lot of seats open in the first class section. so she gets up and goes ans sits in one. one of the stewards notices she is not in her seat, and looks for her, and sees her in first class. the steward goes up to the blonde and tells her she can't sin in first class, and has to go back to her seat in the coach section. the blonde refuses. a big argument starts. with this the steward knocks on the captains door and asks to go in to talk to him. he lets her in and she tells him what is going on. he tells her to deal with it. she says, i have tried everything, but this frigging blonde just won't leave the first class seat. the captain smiles and says, she is blonde, i am married to a blonde, i will handle this. he gets up, puts on his hat, goes out to the lady and bends over and whispers something to her. with that she jumps up, says wow thank you, and scoots back to her seat and straps herself in. the steward is amazed. she looks at the captain and asks him, what did you say to her, i tried everything, and nothing worked. he smiled and said, i just told her that first class didn't stop in Florida

[Bob Denman]

Unsure-Woman-Credit-iStockphoto-150015285.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

************************************

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous."

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.

This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

**************************************

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"

The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Some GREAT insults...

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!" the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells down at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.”



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Susan. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[SpyderConvert]

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½minutes ?

I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute .

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.



And for those of you who thought it would be dirty....................

Say two Hail Mary’s!

and be logical and forward this email to your friends!

And the Moral of the Story is :

Logic beats math anytime!

And Math cannot survive without Logic.

[Bob Denman]