Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[cuznjohn]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied in a sultry tone, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own BLANKING blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.

[PrairieSpyder]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied in a sultry tone, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own BLANKING blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.

[Bob Denman]

[SpyderConvert]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is??"

[vided]

IMG_2243.JPG

[vided]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gUzsy8nB4sw

[cuznjohn]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gUzsy8nB4sw

strange British humor

[Bob Denman]

There's probably more truth to it, than any retailer would like to admit...

[Bob Denman]

2015-05-08-07-03-50.jpg

[AnthonyG]

blah blah blah

[Bob Denman]

[vided]

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month..

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.


That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND


Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[cuznjohn]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in placed in his room as his last wishes, and when everything is ready he began to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks by the river.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”

Sarah said “Property? …. the old bastard had a paper route!”

[Bob Denman]

Barry,
When folks tell me that I've got to "Get in shape..."!
I remind that round round IS a shape!

[Bob Denman]

Since Easter is only two weeks away now: here's a helpful tip!

Just One Bunny.jpg

Unless you REALLY like chocolate!

[cuznjohn]

[Bfromla]

[cuznjohn]

did you hear about the copy machine, a woman laid her pocketbook on top of it, and when she went to pick her bag up again, it fell and all her stuff went everywhere. as she was gathering her stuff, she realized her birth control pills fell into the copy machine. now the copier just won't reproduce any more

[SpyderConvert]

Vacationer Complaints

Where do these people hide when they're not on holiday/vacation?!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK
VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find
that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy
food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the
beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi
drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told
us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it
would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean
everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.
Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to
close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during
'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.
The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully
equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the
local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard
creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read
the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because
of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday
more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to
England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This
seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our
friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the
resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait
longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish
people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.
No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of
noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked,
but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold
you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became
pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."

[Bob Denman]

House Face Palm.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Since it's only two weeks until Easter...

Dye-Job.jpg

[vided]

Today’s Chuckle…
A Priest and a Rabbi:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Bob Denman]

Ham: yes!
But bacon???

[Bob Denman]

Since Baseball Season has also started:

A White Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/baseballjokes.html

[Bob Denman]

On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. “Why couldn’t this happen on my last day of hunting?!” the hunter cried to the doctor. “It did,” the doctor replied.