Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[mowin]

Was that how long it took for her car to crap out?

NOT sure... Think we were on the tail end of the 3rd week when this occurred. BTW, she wasn't blonde. Red head.

[Bob Denman]

I have a "fatal attraction" for redheads...

[SpyderConvert]

Sensitivity Training Needed....

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."

10. WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON," DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.




Message history

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[Bob Denman]

It may have cost me an entire cup of coffee spit out through my nose...

But it was worth it!!

I think that I'll call my Missus, and share these with her from a safe distance: AFTER she's already fed me lunch!

[Bob Denman]

Oh! About #2...

Her name is Kim.jpg

Do you think that they might be Sisters?

[Bob Denman]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".

The poor man had no idea what to say!

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

The proper way to recycle a pizza box...

Pizza Box Recycling.jpg

It's how they do it in Alaska...

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Friends are like Knickers:

Some snap under pressure

Some get a little twisted

Some you can see right through them

Some are cheap

Some are your favourites

But the best ones cover your arse when you need them!!

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

For some reason, it reminded me of this!

[Bob Denman]

indication of how much trouble our country is in.

God Bless America ! ����
____________________

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore)
staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts ....''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in
Africa ''
his response -- click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who
asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada
?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the
map.'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled
up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover
in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save
time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33
a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought
that.


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I
said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into
it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his
luggage.


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to
inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over
all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii
?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know
which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have that number on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I
need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on
one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her
that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been
to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express!''


12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,
New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are
you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the
man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm
sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be
silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your
map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do
you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big
animal.''


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE
TO BREED

[PrairieSpyder]

I'm not sure I believe those are real, Bob, but they're funny!

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

I'm not sure I believe those are real, Bob, but they're funny!

The scariest part about them: Whether or not they are real; it's pretty easy to imagine our Lawmakers saying them!

[PrairieSpyder]

The scariest part about them: Whether or not they are real; it's pretty easy to imagine our Lawmakers saying them!

I lived in Atlanta when they hosted the 1996 summer Olympics. True story: A person in New Mexico who called in to get tickets and was told they could only sell to people in the US!

So yes, it does happen.

[JerryB]

Hi Bob,

Re: it's pretty easy to imagine our Lawmakers saying them!

IMO the average American is just as dumb.

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Stupider than that.jpg

[vided]

I was going to say "hence *****care ", but I won't

[mowin]

I was going to say "hence *****care ", but I won't

It's a good thing you didn't...

[Bob Denman]

*****Laughing.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Horse.jpg

[Bob Denman]

I had to go bail Bosco (My Dog) out of Jail!
It seems that he and his buddies were celebrating Saint Patrick's Day in a boisterous manner, and decided to break into the Zoo, and party with the locals...

It got out of hand...

dogtiger.jpg

Fortunately; the Tiger decided to not press charges... He was even drunker than Bosco!

[SpyderConvert]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia,
and All of Washington DC

[Bob Denman]

Leave a mark.jpg