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  1. #226
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    Do you remember a radio show from UK called "My Word" with Frank Muir and Denis Norden...?

  2. #227
    Active Member soaring hawk's Avatar
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    Default SHORT JOKES

    TWO FISH WERE SWIMING WHEN THEY HIT A BRICK WALL THE ONE YELLED DAM!

    TWO CANIBLES WERE EATING A CLOWN THE ONE ASDED THE DOESN'T SOMETHING TASTE FUNNY.


    I'LL GO BACK TO MY DAY JOB.

  3. #228
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    "FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER "

    Thank You

  4. #229
    Very Active Member NautiBrit's Avatar
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    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
    kinds of boobs are there?

    The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
    In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
    In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
    After 50, they are like onions'.

    'Onions?'

    'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

    This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many
    kinds of 'willies' are there?.

    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
    three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
    In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
    50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

    'A Christmas tree?'

    'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.
    George

    2017 BMW R1200R

  5. #230
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    Default Laws of Probability

    1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

    6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with ...Or you are wearing something you don't want to be seen in!

    9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in an entire locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

  6. #231
    Very Active Member NautiBrit's Avatar
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    A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:

    "Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
    "Bartender! Get me another!"

    The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
    "Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?"

    The biker looks at him and snorts:
    "I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
    "Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
    "Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."


    "Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG.
    George

    2017 BMW R1200R

  7. #232
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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    ooops!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. #233
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    Just too many things to say... and they'd all get me banned for sure!!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  9. #234
    GOS member (Girls On Spyders)
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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

    This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

    The judge asked the man (about ......20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
    The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

    She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

    But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!


  10. #235
    MOgang Member & Pyro-Man kevorama's Avatar
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    A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
    She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
    She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
    He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
    I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
    reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's
    on sale this week for only $20.00."
    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
    it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
    "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
    At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no
    way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted.
    Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
    rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
    He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
    is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
    She paid it and left without saying a word
    “Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.”
    James Dean









  11. #236
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default What's in the box

    A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
    > picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
    >
    > The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
    > you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
    > buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
    > buying the cat food for your cat."
    >
    > The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
    > to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
    > buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
    > cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
    > old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
    > you are buying the dog food for your dog."
    >
    > So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
    > dog food.
    >
    > The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
    > old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
    > cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
    >
    > The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
    > that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
    > quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ."
    > The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
    > paper."
    >
    > Don't mess with old people.
    Happy Spyder Owner


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  12. #237
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    Default When you have an "I Hate My Job day"

    [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

    Try this out:

    Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

    Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package, remove the thermometer and carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins...

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

    You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

    If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

    Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!


    Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

  13. #238
    Very Active Member warp10's Avatar
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    Default

    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asks..... "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about him
    being able to see out of it again.

  14. #239
    Very Active Member NautiBrit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yol Bolsun View Post
    [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

    Try this out:

    Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

    Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package, remove the thermometer and carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins...

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

    You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

    If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

    Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!


    Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

    According to Snopes, not true, which is a pity because it's a great story and funny.
    George

    2017 BMW R1200R

  15. #240
    Very Active Member PCBeachBum's Avatar
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    Default The Irish Wedding

    At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

    "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

    The bartender was almost crushed to death.
    Happy Spyder Owner


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  16. #241
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    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  17. #242
    Very Active Member granpa in Cincy's Avatar
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    Default Wife comes home late at night and

    Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

    She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
    she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
    stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."

  18. #243
    Registered Users tconaagt's Avatar
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  19. #244
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    I had amnesia once---or twice
    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
    Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  20. #245
    Very Active Member Arr MiHardies's Avatar
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    I don't procrastinate; there's plenty of time to do that later!
    President - Spyder Ryder of America - Mojave Desert Chapter
    National Web Master - Spyder Ryder of America


  21. #246
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    I LIKE that! I'm gonna use it on the Missus today...or maybe tomorrow...
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

  22. #247
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bob Denman View Post
    I had amnesia once---or twice
    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
    Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
    This sounds so like Emo Phillips
    Last edited by Yol Bolsun; 02-08-2012 at 11:23 AM.

  23. #248
    Active Member SpyderDon's Avatar
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  24. #249
    Very Active Member granpa in Cincy's Avatar
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    Default From another board

    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
    denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    14. What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

    15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

    16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
    postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

    19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $4.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

    20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

  25. #250
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    Thoughful questions for sure!
    2010 RT A&C, RT-L, RT-L , Orbital Blue, Cognac, Jet Black

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