Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

Scientific Conversion Factors:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Isn't all of this New Math fun??

This is one of those jokes that has to be read to be understood! Don't bother to read it aloud to your spouse!

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

THE CANDY WITH THE HOLE IN IT.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red - Cherry - Yellow - Lemon - Green - Lime - Orange - Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!'

The teacher had to leave the room!



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

This is one of those jokes that has to be read to be understood! Don't bother to read it aloud to your spouse!

#27 was my favorite!

[IdahoMtnSpyder]

#27 was my favorite!

Or as has been said, if con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of progress?

[vided]

Or as has been said, if con is the opposite of pro, what is the opposite of progress?

Congress

[Bob Denman]

That is OUtstanding!.jpg

[Joe T.]

California-Bans-Itself.jpg

[Joe T.]

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[Joe T.]

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[Bfromla]

SHE THE MARINE


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.


There were all the regular
types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the
teacher realized, that only Janie was left.


"Janie, do you have a story to share?"


'Yes ma'am. My daddy
told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in
Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't F*** with
Mommy when she's been drinking."


I love these touching stories !!!

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

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[vided]

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[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

He doesn't live much: does he?

[Bob Denman]

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[Cruzr Joe]

This is why you should never take your wife to the state fair.
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


Read more: http://ktrh.iheart.com/onair/michael...#ixzz4VzOS3u72

[Pirate looks at --]

CALIFORNIA:
•The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites
the Governor.
•The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what
is natural.
•He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills
the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
•He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.
•The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
•The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.
•The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.
•The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.
•The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re the nature of coyotes.
•PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the state.

TEXAS
•The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
•The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.
•The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
•
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

We are so far from broke its unbelievable, the state has a huge surplus, and we are expecting an additional $1,000,000,000.00 influx of new Marijuana Tax money starting in 2018! So blast away folks! We are doing just fine!

[cuznjohn]

[Bob Denman]

Indiana Jones Not Funny.jpg

[cuznjohn]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
Chuck grew up and works now for the government.

[Bob Denman]

It figures; doesn't it?

[vided]

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[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blew her top. "You bugger! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started."



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Yup... that'll do it!

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