Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

You'd think that they could have figured that out for themselves...

[UtahPete]

This is the "off-topic" board!

But, it's the 'joke' thread.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

- The bible teaches us to love and Kamasutra shows us how to do that.

- If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

- What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that’s cute but can you breathe through it?

- I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

- What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

- What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies.



Jerry Baumchen

[Saluda]

[QUOTE=UtahPete;1337916] I'm not going to keep it in circulation by giving it to a gun nut.

QUOTE]

You were doing great for a long time until that one.

[ThreeWheels]

Take the politics somewhere else or the longest running thread will get shut down. If Lamont doesn't do it, I will..........................................

And now, back to the entertainment portion of our program.

Question: If love is grand, what's a divorce ?
Answer: 100 grand or more.

[Bob Denman]

That's almost too true to be funny...

But we'll give you credit for it!

[Bob Denman]

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. But shouldn't that be an even number?



♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.



♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.



♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.



♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.



♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?



♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.



♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.



♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?



♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.



♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.



♦ Money talks. But all mine ever says is good-bye.



♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.



♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”


♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.



♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.



♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.


♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.



♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.



♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober,Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course,Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[SpyderConvert]

Always unfairly the butt of jokes........

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning .
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware.'


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida ?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you?'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead went into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLOND JOKE TO END ALL BLOND JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blonde came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

[Joe T.]

THAT is what I thought. But, I wanted to give the author the benefit of the doubt since it's supposed to be funny, right?

He's saying that he will take a valuable piece of property off the hands of someone who, if they're either afraid of guns or don't like them, probably doesn't have one anyway. I still don't get the humor. Or the sarcasm either, since it's obviously aimed at those, like me, who don't see the need for one. So, why would I have a gun to give him in the first place?

And, if I did have one and decided to get rid of it on principle I'm not going to keep it in circulation by giving it to a gun nut.

Sorry, just not eliciting any guffaws from me. That's okay - most folks don't get my humor either.

Sheldon Cooper???



Joe T.

[Joe T.]

"A Preacher, the Pope, an Imam, a Monk, an Atheist, and a Drunk were all flying over the Himalayas in an old DC-3. Suddenly, both engines quit.

The Pope said - - - -"

Ah heck, y'all finish this one!

Joe T.

[JerryB]

Hi Joe,

Re: "A Preacher, the Pope, an Imam, a Monk, an Atheist, and a Drunk were all flying over the Himalayas in an old DC-3. Suddenly, both engines quit.

The Pope said - - - -"

Well, as an atheist and former jumper, I would have said, 'Five left & cut.'

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

But did the other four have parachutes also??

[SpyderConvert]

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to
Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes
while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates,
and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an
accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[Bob Denman]

If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

[SpyderConvert]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.“

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

I would LOVE to have seen what happened next!


(Since all three of those issues are separate and distinct; yet they were presented as if they were just a single event: I'm pretty sure that the Student should be failed anyway.).

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

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[oldguyinTX]

[oldguyinTX]

[Black Pig]

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't muck around, Buzz. Who the f*ck do you think it is?"
"Oh Sorry, Neil."


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They've just commissioned the latest speed camera technology on the M25.
What a huge waste of public money.
They would rake it in if they introduced parking fines!

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Mick goes to visit Paddy and finds him building a brick wall in his living room.
“Bejesus Paddy!” Said Mick. “What the feck is going on?”
“It’s because of the snow,” replied Paddy.
“But what’s snow got to do with you building a brick wall in your living room?” asked Mick.
“I’m working from home,” said Paddy.

[Black Pig]

Did you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet!
But most only have 4.