Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

Husband dies, reaches the Pearly Gates. Finds two signs. First sign reads “For men who dominated their wives.” Second sign reads “For men who were dominated BY their wives.”

Second sign has a very long line of husbands. The new arrival gets in the line for husbands who dominated their wives. Looks around, he is the sole husband in that line. St Peter’s assistant inquires, “Why are you in the line for husbands who dominated their wives?”

His response: “Because my wife told me to.”

[Bob Denman]

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about
32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after
you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre
of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

[Zip]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:
“No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

[Zip]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”

[vided]

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[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

If only our local Shop-Rite would add a register for that!

[mowin]

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Wouldn't that be nice....

[SpyderConvert]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[SpyderConvert]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant
to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.


He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.


To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

[SpyderConvert]

Subject: Aphorisms ("A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth")

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who
wants to stay out all night?

7 Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example,
it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER....

"POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said..... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?

He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[ottawa-rider]

Afternoon Sex.jpg

[oldguyinTX]

Two men were in a public bathroom doing their business at the urinal. The first one finished, zipped up, and headed for the door. The second one said, at "HAAVAD" they teach us to wash our hands after peeing." The first guy says, "At UT they teach us not to pee on our hands."

[Bob Denman]

wait a minute...

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

So The Missus shops at Target... Now I know where my paycheck ends up!

[vided]

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[mowin]

IMG_2885.jpg

I remember walking down the street "smoking" those. Thank God those were the only cigarettes I've ever smoked.

[Bob Denman]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.



Last week, I went to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange.

When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon in your pocket?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..'

I was impressed.



I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had a similar string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'



'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. The time spent in the restroom is shortened by 56.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'





'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Bob Denman]

Okay: this isn't funny...

But it is ironic!

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[vided]

IMG_2834.jpgFor the first one

IMG_2777.jpg For the second one

[vided]

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[UtahPete]

Okay: this isn't funny...But it is ironic!

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Nothing funny, ironic or truthful about it. Quit the liberal-bashing already.