Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Lew L]

And I'm distantly related to the Tsar of Russia and Nicola Tesla---------

[Bob Denman]

I'm sure that there's some Brachiosaurus in my DNA...
(Fat, slow, and a walnut-sized brain!)

[SpyderConvert]

....when you are RED.

One evening at dinner, the youngest daughter asks her father:

"Dad, why are you still all red?" -

Well you see my daughter, it's summer, and on a motorcycle, you get sunburn and it gives you red skin.

The girl opines but does not seem totally convinced.

"But dad, in winter you're all red ..."

- Yes, my daughter, but in winter it's cold. On the motorcycle, the cold and the speed make your skin red.

" Then the mother, exhausted, grabs the Jim Beam bottle and hands it to her daughter: "Here, pass the motorcycle to your father! "

[Blue Star]

I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town.
I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Friday afternoon I bought something from this store.
I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So Saturday, less than 24 hours later, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager, as I'm really not happy, and I explained that I had just bought the item, got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. 😲😠
I am NEVER buying another lottery ticket from there again! 😂 🤣

[SpyderConvert]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakens, nudges his faithful friend and says,
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.
Holmes says, "What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute and says,
"Astronomically, It tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes, silent for a minute, then says, "Watson, you Idiot. Some A**hole has stolen our Tent."

[SpyderConvert]

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying an infant stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister .
The congregation was aghast - you could hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air, burst out crying and ran from the church.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that illustrates what can happen when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.

[SpyderConvert]

[Freezefm]

FB_IMG_1541642048365.jpg

[Zip]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school.

[SpyderConvert]

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those *******s from Lowe’s ever deliver the damn drywall.”

[SpyderConvert]

[Zip]

football.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?

A: Someone that goes door to door but doesn't have anything to talk about.



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Hi folks,

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?

A: Someone that goes door to door but doesn't have anything to talk about.



Jerry Baumchen

They must be part of this Order...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4q6eaLn2mY

[Bob Denman]

The ONE thing that Your Mom never wants to see in an Airport...

Welcome Home.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

?What?s wrong, Bubba?? asked the pastor.

?I need you to pray for my hearing,? said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba?s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, ?So how?s your hearing??

?I don?t know,? said Bubba. ?It isn?t until next Tuesday.?



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.

The Baptist says, "One more son and I have a basketball team."

The Catholic says, "That's nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team."

The Mormon guy says, "That's nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course."


Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A priest, an imam and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up the collection between God's needs and their needs.

The priest says: "Well, I put the collection on a tray, and then throw it all up in the air. What lands on the try is for God, and the rest is for me."

The imam says: "I have a very similar method. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what I can catch I keep, and the rest is for God."

The rabbi says: "I also have a similar approach. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what God catches is for Him, and the rest is for me."

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

After finishing his sermon, the preacher announced that a member of the congregation would play the piccolo for everyone.

After the piccolo player played for a few minutes, someone yelled out, "The piccolo player's a dipstick!".

The preacher jumped up and said, "Stop the music! ..Will the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"

No one stands. After a few seconds he says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"

Again, no one stands. Then the preacher says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick please stand up!"

Again, no joy. Finally, a fellow stands. "Now we're getting somewhere!" says the preacher. "Are you the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".

"No, I'm not" says the fellow.

"Are you the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?".

"Nope!" was the answer. "Then are you the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick?"

"Un-uh!".

"Then what are you standing for?", asked the preacher in frustration.

"Well, I'm not the person who called the piccolo player a dipstick, or the person sitting next to him, or the person sitting next to him. What I want to know is who called that dipstick a piccolo player!"


Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Here All Week.jpg

[Joe T.]

Hi folks,

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.

The Baptist says, ?One more son and I have a basketball team.?

The Catholic says, ?That?s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.?

The Mormon guy says, ?That?s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.?

Jerry Baumchen

Now that's funny! I don't care who ya' are!!


Joe T.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Jesus to hostess: "Table for 26 please"

Hostess: "But there's only 13 of you."

Jesus: "Yes, but we're all going to sit on the same side."

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

Holy moley...

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. They get to the 7th hole which has a water hazard. Jesus takes out a 5 iron and tees up.

Moses says, "You can't clear the water with a 5 iron."

Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do."

Jesus hits the ball right into the water.

Moses says, "I told you."

Jesus says, "I need a little help finding my ball."

Moses parts the water and Jesus walks out and picks up his ball. He tees up again with the 5 iron.

Moses says, "I told you last time you can't clear the water with that club.

Jesus says, "That?s what Arnold Palmer would do.?

He hits the ball into the water again. He asks Moses for a little help again. The water is parted and Jesus goes and picks up his ball again.

Jesus tees up again with the 5 iron and Moses says, "That's twice you hit the ball in the water with that club."

Jesus says, "That's what Arnold Palmer would do.?

Jesus hits the ball into the water again and Moses says, "You are on your own."

Jesus walks out on top of the water and reaches down feeling around for his ball.

All this delay is holding up the 4-some behind them. One of the golfers sees Jesus walking on the water comes up to Moses and says, "Who does he think he is walking on water, Jesus Christ."

Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer.?

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man has a home that's under evacuation order due to an approaching hurricane. He says, "I don't have to evacuate, God will protect me."

A few hours later, with 4 inches of water on the ground, somebody pulls up in a car and offers him a ride. He declines, saying, "It's OK, I will stay here, God will take care of me."

A few more hours pass and as the flood waters rise he's sitting on top of his car when somebody pulls up in a boat offering to take him to safety. He says, "Keep the space in your boat for others, God will look after me."

Several hours later he's on top of his roof as the waters continue to rise when a helicopter approaches trying to rescue him. Again, the man says, "I need no rescue, I have faith that God will save me".

Ultimately the waters continue to rise until the man drowns. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees God and asks, "My Lord, why didn't you save me???"

God responds, "What are you talking about, I sent a car, I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter...."

Jerry Baumchen