Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

A Wombat walks into a Bar...

[UtahPete]

When a woman wears a bikini she exposes 90 percent of her body to open view.

But we men are so polite that we only look at the parts that are covered!

That's called 'concealed carry' ...

[Peter Aawen]

A Wombat walks into a Bar...

Whatever you do, just DON'T say "Well bugga me!" out loud! You have been warned!

[UtahPete]

When were you on the Long Beach? My brother was on there in the late 80"s.

Sorry - I didn't see this until just now. I was on that ship in the mid-70s.

[Bob Denman]

Whatever you do, just DON'T say "Well bugga me!" out loud! You have been warned!

I believe you...and I don't even need to know the rest of that story!

[vided]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's ​to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."

[Bob Denman]

I see nothing wrong with your answer!

[Cavman]

Old Piano Player

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished,the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy OutTonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!”

[Bob Denman]

Since we're talking about the Piano Man...

[LateLifeCrisis]

19366353_1558610570830464_232235631899255263_n.jpg

[Black Pig]

Since we're talking about the Piano Man...

That is, quite simply, one of the best songs, ever!!

[SpyderConvert]

Ira Kaplan, who hasn’t returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam, returns during a business trip to find everything on Morris Avenue changed...

When once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a nail salon and spa now is;
where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there is now a Gap...

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls—such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how—that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam,
he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there..?

A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan says, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong greenhorn’s accent, asks, “Vas dey black vingtips?”

“They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalls.

“And you vanted a halv sole, mid rubber heels?”

“Yes,” says Kaplan. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”

“And you vanted taps on the heels only ?”

“Yes, yes,” says Kaplan. “Amazing! Do you still have them ?”

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says,

“Dey’ll be ready Vendesday...”

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Hopefully, this one has not been posted before.

Two Irish hunters from Dublin hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."



Jerry Baumchen

[SpyderConvert]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a baby in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.......

[Bob Denman]

In the spirit of generosity: she could have offered him one... just to see if it helped!

[Bob Denman]

ColonoscopyJournal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrepis a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andyhad me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andywas looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

&nb sp;

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[vided]

Totally true, and then some

[Bob Denman]

I never said that it was supposed to be funny...

[Bob Denman]

A drunk man who smelled like a brewery sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis? '

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of personnel hygiene.

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? '

The drunk answered, 'Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

[Bob Denman]

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.












IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and theyVOTE, and have babies.

For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will!

[SpyderConvert]

May be a repeat....

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[SpyderConvert]

In a revival tent service, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. The whole congregation joined with enthusiastic shouts of “Amen Brother!”

After a few minutes the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” Leroy answered. “It isn’t until next Thursday.”

[Blue Star]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

[Bob Denman]

Hi Maxine.jpg

[Bob Denman]

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