Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[dannymax]

If you look up "inane banter" in the dictionary; they've got me listed as a multiple- offender!

Don't be so hard on yourself Bob....your banter isn't insane.....well, not totally!!

[bruisersbaby]

One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn."I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."

Suddenly, a strange cod appeared and said, “your wish is granted” and Justin was turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend turned shark will eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp turned maneater very lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the mysterious cod again, he asks him to turn him back into a prawn. Lo and behold, Justin was turned back into a prawn.

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says and, instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin,leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed ... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

[Blue Star]

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"

[Bob Denman]

Very nice! I'll be sure to "borrow" it...

[Rando]

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stackof 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
>>> >
>>> > The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
>>> >
>>> > The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
... >>> >
>>> > 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
>>> > 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.
>>> >
>>> > 'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
>>> >
>>> > 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
>>> >
>>> > 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
>>> >
>>> > Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
>>> >
>>> > Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
>>> >
>>> > Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
>>> >
>>> > 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
>>> >
>>> > 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants.'
>>> >
>>> > BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
>>> >
>>> > You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

So how would you score this student's exam??

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? *his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *at the bottom
of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? *liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? *marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? *exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? *lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? *the other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
*it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *no problem, he
sleeps at night

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *you will never find
an elephant that has only one hand

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *very
large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it? *no time at all, the wall is already built

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it? *any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

[dannymax]

Smart kid!! Thinks outside the box!

[Bob Denman]

Uhhh Danny...
I hope that you understand that we all LOVE your new look!
But it's making us a bit "nervous" now that the racing season has finished!

[dannymax]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[coz]

[Bob Denman]

Why not put "Max 1260" up as an avatar??

[dannymax]

Ya talked me right into it Bob!!

[Bob Denman]

Looks KILLER!!
Keep it out of the kitty litter and you won't get into any trouble!


Oh; That bike is NO joke! It's more serious than a day that starts with an IRS audit, has a meeting with the divorce lawyers at noon, and ends with a nice solid heart attack at dinnertime...

[Phil]

Young or old there's always something new to learn......

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very
committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a
form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the
dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave
and sing (wait for it....):





"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.

[Bob Denman]

Well you got me too!

[Bob Denman]

Guys can be Blonde also...

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

[Bob Denman]

Here's another...
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

[Bob Denman]

Okay... Just one more for today...
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

[Bob Denman]

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

[draboo]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

[Bob Denman]

mayan-calendar-twinkies.jpg

Sir Cumference...

[Bob Denman]

Buy an IPhone.jpg

[JJW SpyderRider]

Buy an IPhone.jpg

[draboo]

A businessman boards a Virgin flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."