Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[SpyderConvert]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife,
"Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball.
He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen *******, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.”

[SpyderConvert]

Joe passed away. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

'"Two and a half carats."

[Bob Denman]

She must be my Sister-in-Law!

[vided]

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[SpyderConvert]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[Bob Denman]

Here's an oldie; with a similar sentiment!

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. S
uddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, s
eemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the
man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

[SpyderConvert]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars,
so all he could do was look at the engine. Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,
"It's your fuel pump."The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated,
"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man?
You look like you've seen a ghost.""It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"The man replied in the affirmative.
"Yes, it was! Am I crazy?""No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know sh*t about cars."
DJ Mills

[SpyderConvert]

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.
The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[SpyderConvert]

This should answer the age-old question......

[vided]

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[vided]

The ZIPPER


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

That ain't funny: it's just too true!

[Cavman]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"





Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the

area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"



"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.



"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, but how did you guess that? "
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though

nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”









“Now give me back my dog.”



AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, AND THEY ARE SITTING ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ISLE.

[PrairieSpyder]

IMG_1184.JPG

[Bob Denman]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time."Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down
to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home that night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are
your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

[vided]

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[Bob Denman]

I was worried: she had the lunches in her backpack!

[SpyderConvert]

[SpyderConvert]

A truck driver's wife decided she would like some company during his long road trips so she decided to buy a parrot. At the pet store there was three parrots priced $500, $200, and $25. Curious about the price differences she approached the owner.

He explained, "The $500 parrot if fluent in five languages and is very polite to everyone. The $200 parrot only speaks two languages and is also very polite. The $25 parrot in unlike the others. He lived in a whore house, only speaks one language and often swears."

After thinking about it for a while she decided the $25 parrot was a lot like her husband and she was a bit short on funds so she bought him.

Upon arriving home the parrot looked around and exclaimed, "Wow! A new whore house and a great looking madam!" The trucker's wife laughed and went about her housework.

Later their daughters came home from school and the parrot exclaimed, "Not only a new whore house, but two great looking babes!" They all looked at each other and laughed.

About a week later the trucker came back from an extended trip. When he walked in the room the parrot shouted,"Joe, what took you so long to find the new place? You're going to love it here!"

Doctors think he will be out of intensive care in about a week.

[Bob Denman]

They say that the most expensive Parrot, is the one that knows when to keep it's mouth shut!

[Bob Denman]

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs,
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Pirate looks at --]

.

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future...!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs,
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[vided]

78BAF506-9BDF-4AB0-ABB2-F4AD6FCF1F50.jpg

[Bob Denman]

let me guess...

California?