Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[Bob Denman]

Mark Twain also is credited with this wisdom:


But regardless of WHO said it: right on!

[PrairieSpyder]

If you want to kill a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler!

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Difference between Airplanes and Women!

Airplanes usually kill you quickly - women take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on with a flick of a switch
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a touch and go!
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection!
Airplanes comes with manuals to explain their operations.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't mind how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots arrive at the same time.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your flying skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless there is something seriously wrong!

However, when an airplane goes quiet, like a woman, it's usually not a good sign!



So, who's up for taking flying lessons?

Jerry Baumchen

[HVACR Guy]

Thanks Jerry. I will pass on this joke to my cousins who have 3 pilots in the family one of whom is a woman and an amazing pilot.

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A real man:

A guy brings a girl home from the bar and things start to get hot and heavy.

The girl asks, "Do you have a condom?"

To which he replies. "Yes, they are in the drawer, right next to the rattlesnake. Go ahead and grab one."

Astonished she asks "Why is there a rattlesnake in your condom drawer and why do you want me to grab one."

"Because I don't f*** with either one of them."



Jerry Baumchen

[vided]

A few minutes before church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to Bill and said, "Do you know who I am?"
Clinton replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said Clinton, calm as a clam.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied Bill, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was Clinton's calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said Bill.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Bill Clinton calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 40 years."

[Blue Star]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications that will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck! Tech support

[vided]

[Bob Denman]

There's too much truth in there...

[Bob Denman]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the
palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.

I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious
and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.


And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

[Sam Mac]

IRISH WEDDING
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was overwhelmed by the attention.

[Bob Denman]

[PrairieSpyder]

CuznJohn's post about being paranoid made me think of this old joke:

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
• If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[vided]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hRH1tYD6bow

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

[agedbikeman]

This is my latest farkle





I call it SPYDER GARDENING

[Machinegunner]

Bob, That certainly puts a new spin on the current conversations, but it is appropriate.

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

Two women were talking in Heaven.

'Hi Wanda!'

'Hi Sylvia, how did you die?'

'I froze to death,' says Wanda.

'That is terrible way to go,' says Sylvia.

'It wasn't so bad actually, Wanda. After I quit shaking I started to feel warm and sleepy and died peacefully. What about you Sylvia? '

'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him, but he was all by himself in the den watching TV.'

'So what happened?'

'I still had a feeling that he was with a woman, so I frantically searched the house up and down from the basement to the attic. I checked everywhere, under the beds, the closest and every room, but I found no one. I was rushing around so much I got exhausted and died of a heart attack.'

'Too bad you did not check the freezer, then both of us would still be alive!!! '



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man goes to see a doctor as he is very worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”

The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”



Jerry Baumchen