Missing---Joke Forum, so I'll just start a thread.

[JerryWA]

Little Miss Muffett
Sat on her tuffett
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spyder
And sat down beside her
And she jumped on that sucker and rode it off into the sunset.

[JerryWA]

I was really looking forward to my 10th high school reunion.
I couldn't help thinking about the cheer leaders I had known.

This is a shot of them back then:
then.jpg

At the reunion, I saw them.

This is a shot of them now:
Now.jpg

I have not been to another reunion since!

[mowin]

I was really looking forward to my 10th high school reunion.
I couldn't help thinking about the cheer leaders I had known.

This is a shot of them back then:
then.jpg

At the reunion, I saw them.

This is a shot of them now:
Now.jpg

I have not been to another reunion since!

Lol..

But I think the thin skinned will be offended. Clocks ticking on this one.

[JerryWA]

Jack was taking a walk in the park on his lunch break.
He saw a well dressed older gentleman sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.
Jack couldn't help stopping.
He asked the elderly man 'What is the problem? Can I help you?'.
The old man looked up, and, wiping tears from his swollen eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief, said
'It's a bit of a long story, young man.
You see, I was recently married. My wife is a drop dead gorgeous 25 year old swim suit model.
At first I thought she was looking for my home and life insurance.
After the first month, I came to realize she really cared for me.
She would get up early each morning, greet me with a warm smile and a big kiss and make fresh coffee, and a healthy breakfast. She is an amazing cook!
Before she left for her latest photo shoot, she would lay out my wardrobe for the day. All of which were tailored for me as her gift to me.
At noon, she would come home, give me a very warm hug and kiss, prepare a delicious lunch, and tell me all about her morning.
Then each evening she would cook a scrumptious dinner.
Afterward we would snuggle on the couch with a glass of my favorite wine, and talk about our day.
Then, at bed time she would put on her most appealing lingerie, and make sweet gentle love with me.
I have never been happier, until today.'
Jack listened in amazement at the old man's story, but could find no reason for the elderly man's grief.
'But why are you sitting here crying your eyes out?' Jack asked him.
The miserable look on the old man's face was heart wrenching.
As his tears began anew, the gentleman sobbed 'Ive forgotten where I live!'

[Bob Denman]

Let's go help him look for her!

(Maybe she has a sister! )

[JerryWA]

TOOL DICTIONARY

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Peter Aawen]

Thanks Jerry, I liked that lot - there's a helluva lotta truth in it!!

However, for some of us this (below) might be a bit easier to read

TOOL DICTIONARY

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[mowin]

Thanks Jerry, I liked that lot - there's a helluva lotta truth in it!!

However, for some of us this (below) might be a bit easier to read

If only I knew you posted this before I read the above post...

[vided]

Thank you for the translation

[JerryB]

Hi JerryWA,

Re: TOOL DICTIONARY

Been there, done that.

Jerry Baumchen

[Pirate looks at --]

Let's go help him look for her!

(Maybe she has a sister! )

Too late I already married her!!

[JerryWA]

Have you ever had that eerie feeling that you are being watched?

13146.jpg

[JerryWA]

Guiseppi never did grasp the true concept of adventure off-road motorcycling.

odd-bike122.jpg

[Bob Denman]

THE EIGHTY-THREE YEAR OLD LADY FINISHED HER ANNUAL PHYSICAL EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR SAID, "YOU ARE IN FINE SHAPE FOR YOUR AGE, MRS. GREEN, BUT TELL ME, DO YOU STILL HAVE INTERCOURSE?"
"JUST A MINUTE, I'LL HAVE TO ASK MY HUSBAND", SHE SAID.

SHE STEPPED OUT INTO THE CROWDED RECEPTION ROOM AND YELLED OUT LOUD:

"BOB, DO WE STILL HAVE INTERCOURSE?"

THERE WAS A COMPLETE HUSH - YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP.

BOB ANSWERED IMPATIENTLY, "IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, IRMA, I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES.




WHAT WE HAVE IS...

BLUE CROSS!"

[Bob Denman]

Have you ever had that eerie feeling that you are being watched?

13146.jpg

Yup

Uh-Oh.jpg

[ThreeWheels]

Have you ever had that eerie feeling that you are being watched?

13146.jpg

OMG, You can see the Patty Duke Line !!

[ottawa-rider]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.


The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...


I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."


The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...


what does she look like?"


The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, has long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.


What does your wife look like?'


To which the old guy says,


"Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then pee.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi$$ing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

sad-dog.jpg

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

An undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it for a while and then told him, “I see. Well, you’d better ship her home then.”

The undertaker asked, “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?”

The man said, “A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”



Jerry Baumchen

[Bob Denman]

I'm sending this one to all of my friends... PRICELESS!

Save the Receipt.jpg

[Bob Denman]

One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom,Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.

But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers".

[Bob Denman]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles

[mowin]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles

Most of em don't have any ba.... Um, marbles... But there's definitely a lot more hope now...

[ofdave]

a dog joke.jpg