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Very Active Member
 Heartwarming Lawyer story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding along in his big limousine. When he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money
for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you
can
come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I
have
a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that
tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The
other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
six children
with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the
limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The
lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming
lawyer story? Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
this posting has been vetted, scrubbed and endorsed by the committee for postings
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I'll see your lawyer joke and raise you two:
Out of towner: Are there any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them have been convicted yet.
Q: Lawyers are well-known for telling lies. But what do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
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Very Active Member
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Very Active Member
After being a police officer, lawyer jokes are my favorite. 
2011 RTS (Sold to a very nice lady)
1998 Honda Valkyrie
2006 Mustang GT. Varooooom!
US Navy Veteran
SC Law Enforcement Boat Captain
CNC Machine Service Technician
President: Rolling Thunder SC1
Member: Disabled American Veterans, Rock Hill, SC
Member: American Legion
Experience is recognizing the same mistake every time you make it!  
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New Laws for Hunting Lawyers
- Submitted by B. Walker
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While hunting has become a popular sport in many countries,
laws have to be developed to both keep the populations in balance
as well as to allow for a fair fight. New Rules and Regulations also
have to be legislated whenever new species become the object
of the hunt. With this is mind comes new regulations.
********************************
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
US Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"
Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls
is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, remove dead
attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash",
"ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within
100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within
200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses,
health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government
office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or
possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a
state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to
disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp,
female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim,
bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List
(Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
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MORE Lawyer Jokes
Here are some more favorites ... I've collected hundreds over the years.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that God had removed Adam's rib in order to create Eve, which was a medical operation. The engineer disagreed and said, "Way before that, God created the heavens and earth out of chaos, and of course, that took a lot of engineering." "I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Where do you think the chaos came from?"
A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Dewey, Cheatem & Howe. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought, "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."
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What do call 100 drowned lawyers? - A good start.
How many lawyer jokes are there? - Only three, the rest are true.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? - Taller.
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 Do you think that we're going to be sued for this?
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Oh, Bob, I don't think we have to worry about being sued. Truth is a complete defense.
Q: What does a criminal lawyer have in common with Pee-Wee Herman?
A: They can both get themselves off.
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
A man walked into a lawyer's office asked what the lawyer charged. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and now, what was your third question?"
Q: What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A: About a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
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Originally Posted by johnsimion
