Joke of the Day Club

[JerryB]

Hi folks,

OK, here we go:

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost me half a million dollars!"

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' '

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped.'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH, something whips by him going much faster.

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees the old man on the Moped.

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!.'



Jerry Baumchen

[Chupaca]

This little old lady from Pasadena in a model A is broke down on the side of the road. Along comes a young man in his Lamborghini. He pulls over to help the old lady. After attempting to fix her problem he tells her the best he can do is tow her to the nearest garage. She agrees and said she would honk her horn to let him know when they got to the garage. Off they go when a beautiful young girl in a Ferrari flies past them. They young man, forgetting he was towing the old lady, floors it and is hot pursuit. About a mile down the road they pass a trooper watching for speeders. As they pass he wakes his partner..Charlie i have seen it all now. What..? A Ferrari come flying by with a Lamborghini following it. So charlie says..yeah but close behind was a little old lady in a model A...and she was honking to pass...

[Bob Denman]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to theman and said,

"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

[SPECTACUALR SPIDERMAN]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to theman and said,

"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."

so hillary is satan's sister? who knew.

[mowin]

so hillary is satan's sister? who knew.

I was thinking the same thing.

Glad you said it though...

[Bob Denman]

hillary-clinton.jpg

[Bob Denman]

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!

[Bob Denman]

When Beethoven Passed Away, He Was Buried In A Churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery
and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven
was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable
music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said:
“Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said,
“There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards too.
Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening:
“There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate;
He stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery:
“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about.
It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

[mxz600]

mom-and-dad-funny-jokes.jpg

[mxz600]

What does cannabis and the Carolina Panthers have in common?


They both get smoked in bowls.

[oldguyinTX]

The blonde got caught in a hailstorm, which put a lot of dents in her car. She drove to the body shop for a repair estimate, and the guy there decided to have a little fun. He says to her, "You can fix this yourself for free." Wide eyed, the blonde says "How can I do that?" The guy says, "Just get down on your hands and knees, blow into the tailpipe, and it will pop all the dents out." So the blonde drives home and tries it. She is huffing and puffing when her blonde friend drops by and says "What are you doing?" The first blonde tells her, and the second blonde rolls her eyes and says "Well duh, you have to roll up the windows first!"

[Bob Denman]

What does cannabis and the Carolina Panthers have in common?


They both get smoked in bowls.

This isn't funny...

But is sure is true!

[cuznjohn]

two cannibals were out hunting and they ran into one of the people from the village they hated. they hated the village so much that they killed the man. they wanted to take him back to the village so every one could eat and enjoy a good meal, but the man was a very large man, so they decided to eat him right there. one cannibal was going to start at the head, and the other will start at his feet.

after a little, the one at the head looked up and asked, how are you doing, the one at the feet said, great, i am having a ball. that caused the one at the head to say, DON'T EAT SO FAST YOU BASTARD

[Bob Denman]

[Bob Denman]

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two
of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind:
"Do I tell my partner?"

[Bob Denman]

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage.
Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

[ARtraveler]

Good reads. Glad to see the jokes back.

[Bob Denman]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A
WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade,
especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the age s...only those with an adventurous spirit and
a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran,
Ruled by Nuts.

[oldguyinTX]

An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Redneck were stranded in the desert. The Italian carried a loaf of bread, the Frenchman a bottle of wine, and the Redneck the driver's door of a '57 Chevy. The Frenchman asked the Italian, "What are you going to do with that loaf of bread?" The Italian said, "When I get hungry, I'm going to eat it." The Italian asked the Frenchman, "What are you going to do with that bottle of wine?" The Frenchman said, "When I get thirsty, I'm going to drink it." They then both looked at the Redneck and asked, 'What the hell are you going to do with that car door?" And the Redneck said, "When it gits too damn hot, A'm a gonna roll down the winder!"

[SpyderConvert]

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man' s well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[JerryB]

Hi SpyderConvert,

And: "Man who bounce woman on bed spring in the spring, next spring have offspring."



Jerry Baumchen

[cuznjohn]

[Arion]

This is rather old but it was funny when it was new, and it's still amusing. Question: What do Michael Jackson and the Chicago Cubs have in common? Answer: Both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

[Arion]

And maybe until we learn how to spell?

[Chupaca]

I should be insulted..... but that would be one of the new yorkers.... I'm good...

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old
Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill
und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they
might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He
manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying
his drink.
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds
of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a
minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing
through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!