SO I AM ALLOWED
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SO I AM ALLOWED
https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...54&oe=595D342A
:shocked: I know... and I never said that it was funny! nojoke
In our Hunter Education classes; we'd tell the kids: If you fall out of a treestand: about the best hope that you can have, is that the fall kills you outright. Do you want to spend the rest of you life in a Hospital bed, or a wheelchair?
(The lesson was to always use a tether...)
They got the message! :thumbup:
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
:congrats: on their interest in hunting... :thumbup:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq6rusc_EjM
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
That darn Chicken is at it again... :D
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from
crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it
crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road
to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery... It wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, she's
a maverick!
BARACK *****: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their
eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground
here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no
matter what side of the road it's on. She's got to help finance free
college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
This one should be safe, because it picks on everybody! :roflblack:
K.P. Anderson: Antidepressants for Kids
Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, 'Oh, we got him on Prozac.' What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad's version of anti-depressants would be to, like, hold my head underwater 'til I got a little more excited about living.
The Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three weeks. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three week's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive
level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Knowledge is Power. Time is Money
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work/Time
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero,
regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The less you know, the more you make!
LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
And large organizations are like septic tanks. The bigger pieces of **** rise to the top!
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks
:clap:
:roflblack::roflblack::roflblack:
Hi folks,
Mary checked into the Starlight motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
:yes:
Jerry Baumchen
Since Easter us here...
Never forget the "Reason for the Season"... :bowdown:
The latest TV Tray design...
You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence,
painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door
lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and
paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit --
shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to
Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the
following:
In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow
dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check
yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while
standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the
pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and
shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for
much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the
mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover
the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of
someone you went to school with.
In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is
long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on
different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is
almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check
yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot
young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel
weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want
to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror
and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look
fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming
and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you
have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '
In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until
you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too
and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save
trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing
at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging
out the hole in your crotch… who cares.
In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Walmart
instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander
around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out
loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.
In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my
garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?